


Set My Soul on Fire

by argentress



Series: I'll Sing You Pretty Sounds [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, References to Depression, References to anxiety, Regional At Best Era, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2019-11-13 15:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 43,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18034316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/argentress/pseuds/argentress
Summary: For Christmas one year she gets a keyboard.“I wasn’t sure what to get you sweetie, but I thought maybe you’d enjoy this. You’re always listening to music, this way you could create your own.”She doesn’t know how to answer, doesn’t know how to say that it feels like a challenge she’s not ready for. So instead she smiles and lets the keyboard rest in her lap. It feels heavier than its cheap plastic.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Literally my first ever fanfic. I don't know where this idea came from, other than the fact that those two were obviously useless lesbians in another life, and I'm obsessed with the idea of a two (wo)man band.

For Christmas one year she gets a keyboard.

It’s nothing special: plastic keys and a few pre-programmed tunes. There’s no box, and the frame has a few suspicious marks, so she knows it’s second-hand. But that’s no surprise, most of her gifts are. A family of six living on the salaries of two teachers isn’t exactly swimming in disposable income. She’s honestly happy to get anything every year, knowing the thought and care her mother’s put into whatever it might be.

But the keyboard, however, _is_ a surprise. She’s lived and breathed basketball for so long that she forgets there are other interests. Sure, music has always been there for her, tinting memories and filling wordless nights, but it’s always come from outside of her. Basketball is what she does. Her feet pounding across the court, her breath heavy in her chest, pushing herself past where she thinks she can go—that’s who she is. That’s who she’s always been. The question is clear on her face when she meets her mother’s eyes.

“I wasn’t sure what to get you sweetie, but I thought maybe you’d enjoy this. You’re always listening to music, this way you could create your own.”

She doesn’t know how to answer, doesn’t know how to say that it feels like a challenge she’s not ready for. So instead she smiles and lets the keyboard rest in her lap. It feels heavier than its cheap plastic.

\- - -

She can feel herself losing her nerve. She’d returned home from school with a fire in her belly, like she couldn’t live another moment not telling them the truth. But here, standing in front of them, she can feel the words shrink in her throat, hear her mind screaming at her to stay silent. Their eyes are so kind, filled with unspoken support, and it makes it even worse. Her dad will never say the words, but he’ll be disappointed. He’ll look at his daughter and see a stranger, one he’s been living with for over a year and had no idea about. The last thing she wants to do is hurt him.

“I don’t want to go Otterbein.”

He’s confused, and she can see him trying to connect the dots in a way that’s still familiar to him. “You want to play somewhere else? They’re the only ones who’ve offered you a full ride T, I think we need to think hard about that.”

“No, I—“ She can feel the words solidifying in throat like cement. “I don’t want to play basketball.”

She watches as the disappointment flashes across his face, just like she knew it would, and then disappears. She expects anger to replace it, never the loud anger she knows other parents are capable of, but the unspoken burn under his skin, setting her alight. Instead he’s quiet, expressionless. Her stomach twist uncomfortably, and she tries to swallow the lump in her throat. This is so much worse than she had imagined it, and it feels like a step she can’t come back from.

“Oh.”

Her mother glances between the two of them but says nothing. She knows that basketball is theirs, and she dares not step onto unsure ground. A part of her wishes desperately that her mother would speak up, that she would say anything, to let her know that what she’s done isn’t unforgivable. But she knows it’s not her mother’s forgiveness she needs, it’s her father’s, and the longer he stays silent the more she becomes convinced that it’ll never come. For the first time reaching for what she wants is taking something away from her dad, and she wonders if their relationship can ever recover.

The three of them stand quietly for a few minutes, until her mother seems to be unable to stand the silence a moment more and finally speaks. “Tyler, sweetie, what is it that you want to do instead?”

She’s ready for this question, has been practicing it since she made her decision, and it all rushes out at once. “I wanna go to Ohio State instead. It’s not a free ride, and I know that, but I’ll get a job, and I’ll pay for everything. You guys won’t have to pay a cent. And if you let me stay here I’ll pay rent, whatever you think is fair.”

Her dad is still silent and her mother continues. “Of course you can live here sweetie, we’ll figure something out. But Tyler, what do you want to _do_?”

This, she doesn’t know how to answer. It used to roll off her tongue without a second thought: basketball. She never questioned it, never thought there was another answer but now… now she wasn’t sure. Was it really what made her happy? Was it what she wanted to follow her name for the rest of her life? “Tyler Joseph, basketball player.” WNBA fans would get a kick out of her traditionally masculine first name, and she’d get a kick out of her last name embroidered across their backs. But would it quiet her mind? Would it make her feel like she’d given purpose to her life?

“I don’t know.” She takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Yet.”

\- - -

Once she starts she can’t stop. The tips of her fingers start to feel too sensitive, when not pressed against the cool, ivory keys of the piano. Her mind is louder than ever, as if it knows it finally has a way to shout out loud, and it can’t hold back anymore. Lyrics run through her head constantly, twisting and changing until they’re perfect, until she has to stop whatever she’s doing, grab a pen, and give them body. She collects all the scraps, all the curses and pleas, and strings them together until her own mind is reflected back at her. The words are easy; it’s the music that feels unconquerable.

There’s always something new to learn, a different cord or another note, some new combination she’s never thought of. Even when she sleeps (and she does it rarely these days) her dreams are melodic, her fingers twitching over imagined keys. It’s all consuming and it seems like no matter how long she plays, how long she practices, she’ll never reach the end.

She loves every second of it.

The basement becomes hers. Maddie wanders down occasionally, and sits on the old pull-out couch with her feet tucked up under her, a book resting between her knees, the picture of quiet support. She knows she’s listening to every mumbled word, every wrong key, and every perfect cord, even though her eyes never rise from the pages of her book. Some days it’s too personal to share, and she can feel herself stumbling more than usual. On those days Maddie looks up at her with a smile, closes her book, and leaves her to her thoughts. Tyler’s never been so grateful for her little sister.

On other days Nicky is there. Sometimes she’s out of breath from practice, or wrapped in layers of soft workout clothes, but they never talk about basketball. They both know their time as teammates is over, but maybe something new is beginning. She helps cut through the noise, helps Tyler focus when her mind seems to stretch out to every corner of the room. They spend a whole day on her laptop, as Nicky walks her through Garage Band, and Tyler’s whole world opens up. Maybe they can do this, maybe she can do this. Maybe it’s not destined to die muffled within the walls of her basement.

\- - -

She meets Chris at a party. He’s kind and unassuming, and they spend almost the entire night talking about music. He doesn’t try to write over her interests with his own, but instead recommends her albums and bands that he thinks she’d like. Her blood runs cold when he asks for her number, convinced that the possibility of a friendship has disappeared in favor of an awkward rejection, but instead he insists that they should get together and play sometime. That she should bring Nicky, and the three of them could make some music. She spends most of the night staring at his number, thinking about what they could be, and what their music could mean to people. It feels like it’s just out of reach, but getting closer every day.

The first time they all play together it’s cacophonous. Tyler knows her music is hard to get, that her tempo changes and chord progressions sometimes only make sense to her, but Chris seems willing to try. He’s enthusiastic about the possibilities, if nothing else, and by the end of the first “rehearsal” she’s tentatively optimistic. She finally, officially, asks Nicky, and with her acceptance their band is formed. They don’t have a name yet, but Tyler likes it that way. A name feels too formal, like a bigger step than she’s ready for, but it fills her with anticipation.

She, Nicky, and Chris move into a house only a few blocks from the one she grew up in. It feels weird to try being an adult so close to her parents, as if one foot is on the edge of her future, while the other stays firmly placed in her past. Their rent is stupidly high, and they all work too much in-between class, but it’s the first time any of them have been independent. Every bowl of cereal is the best bowl she’s ever had, if only because she paid for it herself.

Over the next few months she watches as an album materializes before her eyes. They’re no longer thoughts in her head, or sounds in her ear, they’re actual, real live songs. Every word is hers, painstakingly pulled from her unquiet mind and thrown across the page. She still hardly sleeps, but this time it’s not nightmares keeping her awake, it’s thoughts of standing on a stage, Nicky and Chris at her sides. The crowd is always quiet, but she sees that glimmer of familiarity in their eyes, that she knows so well. It’s the same feeling that comes over her when she listens to a song written by someone else, and hears her own thoughts sung to her.

She’s convinced their first show will be as terrible as that disastrous first rehearsal, but her fears are for naught. It helps though, keeping her mind distracted with everything that could go wrong, instead of the anxiety coiling and uncoiling itself somewhere around her navel. She doesn’t let herself think about how this is it, this is the big step, the answer to the challenge her mother gave her all those years ago. From the moment she steps out on that stage everything changes, and she can’t avoid it, or take it back, or pretend it never happened. All she can do is give them everything she has, and hope that they find something for themselves within it.

It’s hardly a crowd, dispersed around their feet and only just below them, but she loves every single one of them. She memorizes every smile, tracks every head bobbing along to the music, and stores them away for the days she knows will come, when she’ll feel alone and voiceless. Here and now, they understand. They feel what she feels, they recognize themselves in her words, and she feels like she’s been struck by lightning. The three of them stay up the rest of the night, talking through every moment, afraid that if they fall asleep it will all have been a dream. Tyler can’t remember ever having felt like this, not even on a basketball court, and for the first time she doesn’t feel like what she’s doing is crazy.

With each show she can feel the change it makes. They get more confident, their sound morphs ever so slightly, and she starts to feel at home on stage. There’s still the rush of nerves before she steps out in front of them all, but it’s gone as quickly as it comes, replaced with her commitment to the crowd. The shows are for them, the music is for them, and if it helps just one person as much as it helps her that’s all that matters. The significance of quieting her own mind pales in comparison to bringing even one of them peace.

The album becomes tangible, and Tyler doesn’t want to ever put it down. She slides it under her pillow at night, tucks it into her pocket at work, and feels around the edges of it every once and a while, just to remind herself it’s there. There’s a part of her that still can’t believe it, can’t believe that it can contain all her thoughts, all her own words. It feels like a part of her brain that she can hold in her hand and inspect. It’s one small part that she can finally understand completely, and for the first time in a long time she has a full night’s sleep.

\- - -

The three of them pile into a van with Nicky’s brother, and Chris’ friend Michael, and hit the road shortly after the album is finished. They don’t stray far from Columbus, but reach out slowly all the same. The faces she’s become familiar with are no longer there, but she still feels the same air in every room: people listening, people understanding.

Touring feels like summer camp. They’re all a breath away from exhaustion, and none of them have truly, properly showered in days, but every night feels electric. They can’t help staring up at their shared ceiling, piled like puppies on the two beds or across the floor, and talking about every detail of each show. She knows they’re building something together, something she didn’t think was possible, and it’s learning music all over again. There’s always more to do, harder to push, and Tyler feels that all-consuming force that keeps her going long after she should have passed out.

When they finally roll back into Columbus it’s bittersweet. It still feels like home, and she’s immensely grateful for it, but she can’t help missing the road as well. Playing music with her friends, reaching total strangers, and giving everything her all quiets her mind like nothing else ever has. Within 48 hours she begins to feel that itch, and she’s scribbling notes faster than her thoughts can solidify into words. Nicky and Chris seem more willing to enjoy a short period of rest, and do their damnedest to drag her along with them.

“What did you say this band was called?” The Newport is packed, and she can feel a stab of jealously mixed in with her respect for the band currently inhabiting the stage.

“House of Heroes. I know the drummer from work. She’s killer.”

She follows Chris’ finger to the young woman behind the drum kit. It’s hard to see her, almost hidden behind her band mates, but one aspect stands out from the rest. Her long, brown curls are a flurry of movement as her head moves to the beat. It’s some of the most enthusiastic and passionate drumming Tyler has ever seen, and it’s hard not to get caught up in her energy. She’s suddenly filled with the unexplainable certainty that she and this drummer would get along famously, if their shared passion for what they do is any indication.

“She looks my age.”

“She is. I don’t think she goes to State though. Doesn’t tell me much, we usually just talk drums.”

Tyler knows the feeling of wanting to discuss nothing but music. Sometimes it feels like it’s the only thing out there, endless and full of new discoveries. “She’s great.”

Chris just nods, taking another sip of his beer, and they both turn their focus back to the music. She can’t help the surge of affection she feels for other bands with female members. Call it selfish, but there’s an instant connection when she can see herself, however generally, represented on stage. It’s a point of pride for her that women outnumber men on her own stage, despite the love and appreciation she feels for Chris. Surrounded by men on the Newport’s stage, she can’t help feeling a kinship to the drummer, and wondering just what else they might have in common.

Time slips by, and before long she’s pulling her phone from her pocket to check the time. “I gotta go man, work at 6:00 tomorrow morning.”

“No worries see you later.” Chris gives her a quick, one-handed hug, careful of the second beer he’s still nursing.

“Tell your friend she sounds great. And tell her she should come to our show next week. Seems only fair.”

Chris smiles and nods, turning back to the stage as Tyler slips out of the crowd. The air outside is only moderately cooler than the air in the club, but it feels invigorating all the same. Live music always seems to wake her up better than anything else, and she can practically feel tomorrow’s tiredness already. Still, she’d rather her insomnia was born of her own mind, than the darkness that seemed to always pull at her dreams.   As she lay in bed that night, her Target fan barely pushing a breeze across her body, she couldn’t help thinking of those brown curls bobbing up and down, their frenetic energy its own kind of rhythm.

\- - -

There’s nothing she likes more than looking out over a crowd and seeing familiar faces. Columbus is so good to them, in so many ways, but this is where it takes her breath away. People singing along to her choruses, mouthing along to the words they haven’t quiet mastered, clapping and shouting as each note fades out. It fills her with a kind of happiness that feels unreachable when she’s not on stage. It’s hard not to get caught up in it, and to ride along on the energy they feed her. She still takes time to notice every face, to memorize every smile, and when her eyes land on a familiar mess of brown curls it brings a smile of her own.

With the last note of Trees she can already feel that energy beginning to ebb. It feels good to throw herself into the musty, old couch of the green room, and to wipe the sweat from her face, but she can already feel that empty space inflating in her chest no matter how hard she tries to shrink it. Her mind is still abuzz with everyone’s voices echoing her words, and instead she focuses on that. With her eyes closed she almost doesn’t hear Chris call out to her, her eyes startling open at a hand on her shoulder.

“T, I wanna introduce you Jos, the drummer?” Chris is standing next to a young woman, her brown hair unmistakable, but her warm brown eyes new and unforgettable.

“Right, from House of Heroes. Hi.” She stands and holds out her hand, a smile on her face, as the girl takes it warmly, mirroring her.

“Hi. You guys were amazing, incredible show. I especially loved the cover, Time to Say Goodbye?”

She nods, her smile growing. “Thanks. That’s one of my favorites too. Was that you, holding one of the drums during Trees?”

“Yeah, for your guitarist. Cool bit of staging, I love that you guys pull the audience in.”

“Thanks. Your enthusiasm is exactly what we’re going for, so that’s encouraging.”

The other girl laughs and it’s the kind of warm, comforting laugh that makes you feel instantly at ease. Tyler can’t help remembering her thoughts at the other concert, only a few days ago, and feeling satisfied at having pegged this girl instantly: they would clearly get along. She can see why Chris likes her, the enthusiasm and just general goodness radiating out of her every pore is intoxicating, and Tyler can’t think of anyone she’s ever felt such an instant closeness towards.

“I’m just glad my friendship with Chris has finally paid off.” Chris makes a noise of indignation and she smiles, giving him a soft shove. “I’m just kidding, you know we love you old man.”

“Well hey, we’re playing again in a week or two, you should come. Nice to know we’ll have someone with previous drum holding experience.”

She laughs again and Tyler can’t help the warmth that spreads to her toes. “For sure. Lemme give you my number, just in case old man Chris forgets to invite me.”

She hands over her phone dutifully, while Chris mumbles something about forgetting to invite Jos to lunch “one freaking time” but the brunette just laughs. When the other girl hands back her phone the contact has “Joselyn” across the top, followed by a drum emoji. It makes Tyler smile.

“I should head out, but it was super nice to meet you Tyler. Chris hasn’t shut up about his band for months, I’m glad I could finally come see you guys.”

“Yeah, thanks for coming. Hope we see you next week.”

“Definitely.”

With a quick hug for Chris, and a smile for Tyler, Jos disappears from the green room. It suddenly feels bigger, without her warm laugh filling it up, and she misses her presence instantly. Chris claps a hand on her shoulder, giving it a small squeeze.

“J’s right that was an awesome show.”

“Agreed.”

“Alright, let’s get this shit loaded and get the hell out of here. I need some food.”

Tyler laughs and follows him back out to the stage, the idea of her bed already floating temptingly through her mind. It’s replaced, just as quickly, with Jos’ warm smile, and as she helps pack up the instruments it becomes exceedingly clear that she’ll be getting no sleep tonight.

\- - -

She wakes the next morning feeling hungover. Or at least, what she assumes being hungover feels like, since she’s never experienced it firsthand. The days following a show are when she feels the most listless, coming down from the high of performing, and trying to find purpose in her everyday life. Still, the milk is cold, and her cereal still has some crunch to it, so it’s not all bad.

With the hand not occupied with her spoon she flips through her phone, checking the band’s Facebook page. Nicky’s already made a post thanking everyone who came the night before, and letting them know to stay tuned for their next date. It has about their average number of likes, and Tyler flicks through the list, rolling each name over in her head. One looks familiar, and when she opens the profile she finds Jos’ face smiling at her from behind a drum set.

 _It’s professional curiosity_ , she thinks to herself as she scrolls through. Jos has Guitar Center listed as her employer, rather than House of Heroes, which is interesting. Tyler always puts her band first, if only so it’s the first thing people see and click on. She’s single, Christian, and has a few bands listed under her likes. Most of them are records Tyler has in her own collection, and she’s struck again by how much they have in common.

Before she can think about it too hard she opens a new text message, typing furiously. _Hey, it’s Tyler, from last night. Thanks again for coming to the show._

She places the phone on the counter, face down, and turns back to her cereal. What’s that old saying, a watched phone never buzzes? Instead she focuses on every bite, counting to ten before she swallows and scoops up another. It almost works to distract her, but when she feels the phone buzz beside her she has it in her hand and open within seconds.

_Of course. I wasn’t kidding last night, you guys are great. Most fun I’ve had at a show in a while._

Tyler can’t help but smile. _High praise coming from a fellow musician. How long have you been playing with HOH?_

This time the reply is almost instantaneous. _Not long. My buddy Colin is taking some time with his family, so he pulled me in. Nice guys._

 _Cool._ She’s not sure what else to say, her momentum slowing and her words drying up. She’s almost resigned to it being the end of the conversation when her phone buzzes once more.

_Hey, I was gonna go get some lunch downtown. Wanna join me?_

Tyler considers her bowl of cereal, but already knows what she wants to say. Her phone buzzes again before she has a chance to reply.

_That sounded weird, like I was asking you out on a date. Not a date. Just lunch. Making friends is weird._

She couldn’t help the laugh that burst from her as she read Jos’ text. It sounded so much like something she would say, something that she probably had said at some point, and she was struck again by that feeling of instant closeness. Tyler hadn’t really thought of herself as someone in need of friends, but damn did she want to count Jos among them.

_Yeah, that sounds great. Where should I meet you?_

\- - -

By the time Jos is getting ready to leave for tour they’re texting daily. Tyler can’t remember the last time she’s made a friend so easily, and it’s scary sometimes how in sync they are. Chris walks around like a proud dad, taking credit for their burgeoning friendship, and both girls take turns giving him playful shoves or eye rolls. Though she’d never admit it, she’s grateful to him. Already she’s starting to divide her life into before Jos and after.

“Would you rather only eat Taco Bell for the rest of your life, or never be allowed to eat it again?”

Jos is lying across her bed on her back, her head lolling off the edge, and her curls brushing the floor. Tyler glances up from her notebook, face screwed up in concentration. They’ve been doing a lot of would you rather-s lately. Sometimes serious, sometimes not, but always interesting. Jos’ were particularly ruthless.

“You’re terrible. Truly. Why do you do this to me?”

Jos laughs and lifts her head to look at her. “If you don’t know the answers to these important questions T, how can you know who you are?”

It’s Jos’ own brand of ridiculous and philosophical, and she can’t help but laugh. “Fine, fine. I guess—“ She paused, chewing on the end of her pen thoughtfully. “Never eat it again. I’d miss chalupas, but my stomach would thank me.”

“Coward.” Jos lets her head fall back again as Tyler laughs.

“Aren’t you supposed to be packing or something?” Tyler flashes her a pointed look and the other girl groans.

“Three weeks in a van, with five dudes, in the middle of summer. I must love drumming. Or I’m a complete masochist.”

“Hard to tell.” Tyler intones, her eyes not leaving her notebook.

“At least you have Nicky. And Chris is decent. If I have to hear one more fart joke I’m gonna lose it, Ty.”

“Then why don’t you tell them to knock it off?”

“Because. You know I can’t. The only thing worse than being ‘ungrateful for the opportunity’ is being ‘hard to work with.’”

Tyler sighed, nodding. She knew what a precarious spot Jos was in, how quickly it could be taken away from her. Today she was House of Heroes’ drummer, but tomorrow it could just as easily be someone else. Even if that someone didn’t come with Colin’s recommendation. Being the odd man, or woman, out was never easy.

“Enough about them, what’ve you written?” Jos lifted her head again and caught Tyler’s eyes.

“Nuh uh, you’re not getting out of it that easy. Pack your bags, girl.”

Jos groaned again, but lifted herself off the bed. She shuffled around the room, pulling a duffle bag out of her closet and placing it, open, on her bed. As she pulled shirts and underwear out of her dresser she began to throw them in the direction of the duffle, creating a haphazard pile that spilled out of the bag and across the bed. Tyler shook her head, a silent laugh on her lips.

“Read me what you’ve written while I pack. Please?” Jos’s voice drifted over her shoulder, and Tyler’s face tightened.

“It’s not ready yet.”

“Just something?” Tyler let out a sigh, but nodded.

She still wasn’t sure why Jos showed so much interest in her music. They were friends, sure, but she had her band, and Tyler had hers. It wasn’t fear of competition that kept her cagey, but rather that she’d find herself responding in kind. How long until she asked Jos to drum for her, on the electric kit in the corner of her room, for purely selfish reasons? They had their allegiances, and it was too easy to forget them when it was just the two of them. It felt like a temptation, to discuss their bands without the other members there.

“I will make you believe you are lovely.” The words are devoid of melody (she hasn’t gotten to that part yet), so she says them however feels right. They flow off her tongue nicely, and it’s the only line she’s written so far that afternoon that she’s sure of.

Jos looks over her shoulder with a smile. “I like that. Especially as a listener.”

“It’s not too… smarmy?”

Jos laughs. “No you dork, it sounds nice. You could never sound insincere, trust me.”

Tyler scoffs, but finds herself smiling as she shakes her head. “You’re too nice to me.”

“Not possible.”

Jos isn’t even looking at her, as she says it off-handedly, but it still warms her down to her toes. The other girl continues to bustle around her room, shoving clothes into the duffle before disappearing briefly to collect her things from the bathroom down the hall. She’s suddenly struck with the realization that she doesn’t know what she’s going to do without her the next three weeks. Jos had become so ingrained in her daily life, that her absence would not only be noticeable, but unpleasant. She tried not to think about it too hard.

“You gonna regale me with crazy stories from the road while you’re gone?” Tyler was careful to keep her words neutral, but worried her face would betray her vulnerability.

“Of course. I’m going to need someone to keep me sane surrounded by those animals.” Jos turned to give her a warm smile and Tyler laughed.

It was silly to worry she’d be forgotten. They were friends, right? It wasn’t just her texting until 2:00 in the morning about whatever, or laughing over Mario Kart tournaments at the rental house. Jos seemed as eager to spend time with her, as she was to be in Jos’ company. And she knew she couldn’t be the only one who smiled when she saw the other’s name pop up on their phone. Three weeks wouldn’t change anything.

“Well then, I’m your girl.”

\- - -

Columbus felt quiet without Jos in it. It was silly really, she’d made it 19+ years without the other girl in her life, but all the sudden three weeks seemed unbearable. She threw herself into music, as she always did, banging on the piano until all hours of the night (God bless Chris and his foresight to soundproof the basement), or writing and crossing out lyrics until her page was filled with angry black lines. She hardly slept, and by the end of first week was running on coffee and spite alone.

Even Chris and Nicky took notice, and Tyler couldn’t be sure, but she thought she saw them making eyes at each other over her head more than once. Midway through the second week they finally spoke up, as she leaned against the counter in the kitchen, nursing her third cup of coffee that day.

“Ty, don’t get me wrong, I love this musical epiphany you seem to be going through, but are you okay?”

She wasn’t surprised it was Nicky who had been elected to speak to her. Chris was sweet, but he didn’t have the history to call her out when she was like this. Nicky had been with her in the gym until midnight, had watched her push herself on the court until she was gasping for breath on the sidelines. She may have given up basketball, but she’d just thrown herself in to something else, and Nicky knew what she was looking at. Tyler didn’t like to admit it to herself, but Nicky could be that voice of reason, outside of her head.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just having a hard time sleeping.”

Out of the corner of her eye she watched them exchange a glance.

“How’s Jos doing on the road? She strangle one of the boys yet?” This time it was Chris, trying to get to the point.

“Jos would never.” She chuckled, halfheartedly. “But I dunno, she hasn’t texted me since she left.”

Another look.

“Well, you should text her. See what’s up. I’m sure she’s got a crazy tour story for us by now.” Nicky’s voice was practically dripping with sympathy, and Tyler couldn’t help bristling.

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t want to bug her. You know how crazy touring is.”

Nicky nodded but didn’t say anything else. It was time to quietly bow out of this conversation and head back to the basement for a few hours until she had to leave for work. They would understand, and they wouldn’t push her further than she wanted to go. She was grateful for that. Mug in hand she made her way down the stairs, socked feet silent on the carpet. She knew they were right, that she should just text her and stop being a baby, but something always held her back. She couldn’t be too needy, couldn’t rely on her too much, just in case…

Tyler didn’t let herself think that far, taking a seat on the piano stool instead, pulling her notebook over from where she’d left it. Losing herself in music had become commonplace at this point, and it was easy to fall back in. Thoughts would flow from her head, and find keys to match them, becoming louder with each repetition. And if one of those thoughts was of Jos tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear while sending a smile in Tyler’s direction, well then, no one but her had to know.

\- - -

The surprise wasn’t that she was awake at 2:00 in the morning when the call came, but that it came at all. With her headphones on and her eyes closed in an attempt at sleep she’d almost missed it, the light from the screen barely bright enough to make it through her eyelids. The familiar drum emoji was like a punch to the chest, and she sat bolt upright in bed, scrambling for the phone. Somehow her fingers managed to coordinate long enough to hit the accept button, and Tyler brought the phone to her ear.

“Hello?”

“T? Did I wake you?” Jos’ voice varied in volume, like she was trying to whisper but wasn’t so great at it.

“Hey, no, I’m awake.”

“Okay good.” Jos’ voice was back to full volume, and sounded slightly odd. “Is it weird that I’m calling? I feel like it’s weird.”

“No, it’s totally fine.” She paused, trying to figure out what felt different. “Are you okay? You _sound_ kinda weird.”

“Oh yeah, the guys wanted to get some drinks after the show, and then this one guy kept buying me drinks, but I was not interested, no thank you.” She giggled. “So I might be a little drunk, sorry.”

“That’s okay, as long as you’re okay. You’re not still at the bar are you?”

“No, back in the room. I’m in the bathroom, the guys passed out so shh.” Tyler could practically hear the finger she’d no doubt pressed to her lips. “But I wanted to tell you something.”

Her stomach twisted uncomfortably. “Oh? What’s that?”

“You can’t tell them okay? They’ll be mad.”

She couldn’t help wondering who “they” were but didn’t press, knowing it might blow Jos off course, and then she’d never know what she was going to say. “Okay, I won’t tell them.”

“I like your band. Twenty one pilots. It’s a good band.”

Tyler let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and laughed. “I know that already, Jos.”

“No no, but like, I really like it. Really. Like, you guys make such good music, and you sing about important things. Like, important things Ty.”

“Thanks Jos. You guys do too.”

“No. Not like that. Not like you. You talk about real things T, things that are going on in my own head. In their heads, you know? That’s why they love you, ‘cause you say things that are in their heads. They know you really know, you know?”

It was getting harder to follow Jos’ train of thought, but enough made sense to her that it brought a blush to her cheeks.

“Ty, you still there? Tyler?”

“I’m here, I’m here.”

This time it was Jos who let out a long breath. “Good. I wish you were really here. With me. I miss you.”

It fell from her lips so easily that Tyler was jealous. She knew it was probably the alcohol that allowed it to slip out, but she also couldn’t help thinking that maybe Jos just didn’t struggle with it like she did. Tyler was so used to putting walls up around herself, protecting people from her darkness, not wanting to drag them down with her, just in case. But here was Jos, trying her damnedest to scale them, only kind, even when uninhibited. She couldn’t help the rush of affection she felt for the other girl, still so amazed that someone so good could find anything worthwhile in her.

“I miss you too.” Her words were barely a whisper, both scared and hopeful that Jos would hear them.

“Ty?” Jos’ words were quiet, like she was just barely holding herself back from sleep.

“Yeah?”

“We’re friends, right?”

“Of course we are.” A warm blush had spread out over her cheeks again, and Tyler unconsciously seemed to curl around her phone, holding on to the other girl’s quiet voice in her ear.

“Good. That’s good.” There was a loud yawn. “I like you, Tyler.”

“I like you too, Jos.” She smiled. “Now go to bed before you fall asleep on the bathroom floor.”

“Fine, fine. Mom.”

Tyler chuckled and waited a few minutes before replying. “Okay, you in bed?”

“Yes, I’m in bed.” Jos’ terrible whisper was back, so she knew it must be true.

“Good. Night, Jos.”

“Night, T.”

She waited for the call to end, for Jos to hang up, but it didn’t come. Instead the breaths on the other end of the line started to fall into a steady rhythm, and Tyler knew she had fallen asleep. Still she kept the phone pressed to her ear, not wanting to say goodbye. Again she found herself almost curling up around the phone, the slight breeze from her fan drifting across her legs. After a few minutes her own breathing began to sync up with her friend’s, and finally, blissfully, she found sleep.

\- - -

Tyler didn’t tell anyone about their phone conversation. She doubted Jos would even remember it in the light of day, so she kept it to herself. They didn’t speak again while she was gone, but Tyler found it easier in those last few days to do without the communication. Jos’ earnest question about their friendship assured her that she wasn’t the only one finding meaning in their interactions, and she didn’t worry so much that she was coming off as clingy. Whether they spoke every day, or every few weeks, it didn’t diminish the friendship they were building.

Still, when House of Heroes finally rolled back in to town, no one was very surprised that the rental house was one of Jos’ first stops. They picked up the traditional Taco Bell and settled on to the couch with Nicky’s old N64 for a night of Mario Kart. Both of them seemed to speak more freely without the pressure of eye contact, and Tyler was always surprised what snuck out when the more logical parts of their brains were preoccupied. Plus she loved how indignant Jos got every time she lost.

“That was clearly Toad’s fault! I’m being sabotaged from every angle.”

“You’re just a sore loser, don’t blame sweet Toad. No one drove your car into that banana but you.” Tyler laughed.

“I just knew you’d take his side. Way to be a friend, T.” Jos’ face was pinched tight with anger, but Tyler knew it was all a show. She’d win the next round and be all smiles again.

Tyler laughed but didn’t reply, already focused on the next round. They quickly fell back into their easy rhythm of trash talk and pointed jokes meant to distract the other long enough to get ahead. Jos won a few, Tyler won a few more, and before long it was close to midnight. The other girl finally hit pause, letting out a long sigh, before falling sideways on the couch, her head landing close to Tyler’s lap. Tyler peered down at her, her curls in a halo around her head, eyelashes brushing the tops of her freckled cheeks. She didn’t realize how long she’d been inspecting her face, unhindered, until Jos spoke.

“I missed you on the road y’know.”

She considered briefly before replying. “I know. You told me.”

Jos’ eyes snapped open. “I did?”

So Tyler had been right, she hadn’t remembered their phone call. “Yeah, you called me one night. After you guys went out for some drinks…”

Jos moaned, covering her face with her hands and rolling on her side where Tyler couldn’t see her. “Oh my god I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I drunk dialed you. I am the worst.”

“Hey, it’s fine.” Tyler reached out, putting a hand on the other girl’s warm shoulder. “You were totally sweet, so no worries.”

“I was?” Jos rolled over until she could look at Tyler, and Tyler couldn’t help the blush coming over her cheeks again.

“Yeah, you just told me how much you like my band. Something about me singing about what’s in your own head?”

She shrugged. “Well, yeah. I don’t know if I would have stated it that explicitly but Drunk Jos likes to speak her mind so…”

Jos sighed, closing her eyes as she settled back into the couch, and continued. “But that’s true. Some of your songs—I feel like you’re in my head Ty. Like, you know exactly what I’m going through. It’s nice, knowing I’m not alone.”

Tyler stared at the controller grasped in her hand, not knowing what to say. Most of her songs were written as a need to get the thoughts out of her, to put them to paper so that they wouldn’t be confined to her head anymore. When they were tangible, when they had words, she could understand them so much better. It was always nice to hear that someone found familiarity in her music, that she wasn’t the first person to feel like she did. But she wouldn’t have expected it from sweet, happy Jos.

“Sometimes it feels like it’s only me going through stuff. That everyone else has their life figured out and I’m this fuckup who can’t tell her own head to shut up. But when I listen to you… it’s not that I think you’re a fuckup, it’s just that—you can’t make your head shut up either.”

She was glad that Jos had her eyes closed, so that she wouldn’t see the tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. Tyler knew exactly what she meant, knew exactly how she felt, and she was left breathless at the idea of someone who understood her so completely.

“Ty?” Jos opened her eyes before Tyler had a chance to look away and caught sight of her tears. “Hey, are you okay? Did I say something wrong? I’m sorry.”

She sat up quickly, turning to face Tyler. How like Jos to immediately apologize, even when she’d done nothing wrong. It made her want to cry all the more. How’d she been lucky enough to have this girl fall in her lap? To find someone who understood her, who was so kind it literally made her heart ache sometimes, who’s first thought when she was drunk was to call her friend and tell her how much she liked her music.

“I’m fine. Really. That’s just, maybe the nicest thing anyone has said to me since I started making music, and it makes me feel like maybe I’m not crazy for doing this.”

“Ty.” Jos’ voice was so small, and all at once she was wrapping her arms around Tyler’s shoulders. Tyler felt the girl’s head come to rest on her right shoulder, warmth emanating from her curls, and smiled. She released the controller in her lap, her hands coming up to grasp at Jos’ right arm wrapped across the front of her body. She gave the arm a slight squeeze, before letting her own head fall to the side, and rest on top of Jos’. The other girl gave her a responding squeeze, making no move to let go. They sat like that for a few moments, until Tyler was sure she no longer felt like crying.

“Thanks Jos.”

“Of course.” She lifted her head slowly, releasing the other girl and reaching for her controller, though she made no move to scoot back to her previous position on the other end of the couch. “So, another round?”

“You’re on.”

\- - -

Slowly her life falls into a pattern: work during the day, evenings with Jos, and weekends spent on stage. Most times Jos is there, but on the nights she isn’t Tyler finds herself searching for her face anyway. She knows she won’t find it, but it makes her focus on the crowd, like she should. Each smile or mouth mirroring hers during a particularly tricky verse brings a feeling of warmth blooming through her chest. She can’t forget Jos telling her that the songs she wrote so she could sleep at night, the ones that had been pressing against her lips for longer than she’d realized, had made Jos feel less alone. And she wonders how many people in the crowd feel the same way.

One morning she exits the house to find Jos sitting on her front stoop. The older girl isn’t moving, her back to the door, seemingly staring out onto the sun beginning to peek over the horizon. “Jos?”

Her voice is quiet but still the other girl startles. When she turns to look at her over her shoulder Tyler can see tears glistening in her eyes. “Hey, are you okay? What’s going on?”

Tyler lowers herself down until she can take a seat with her on the stoop. Before she can think too hard about her actions she’s threading her right arm through Jos’ left, resting her hand on top of the other girl’s, clenched on top of her knees. Her fingers are icy, and Tyler suddenly realizes she’s been sitting on the stoop for a while. Jos doesn’t speak for moment, still staring at the horizon, seemingly trying to make the words form.

“I got fired last night.” She’s still not looking at Tyler, and her words are thick with unshed tears. “From House of Heroes.”

“Oh babe, I’m so sorry.” She squeezes Jos’ hands below her own softly, bringing up her left to wrap around Jos’ forearm. “What happened?”

“Colin decided he was ready to come back. They were nice about it, but it’s not like a band needs two drummers.” A sound is mangled in her throat, and Tyler realizes she’s trying to chuckle with little success. “I didn’t know what to do so I just drove around. I wanted to talk to you, but I knew you had work this morning and I didn’t want to wake you up. I’m sorry, you have to go, don’t you?”

Tyler squeezes her again. “No, no, it’s fine. I’m feeling sick today anyway.” She brings her left hand to her mouth, coughing into it softly.

Jos’ laughs, but her face immediately falls again, and Tyler sees a new group of tears collecting in the corners of her eyes. “Fuck Ty, what am I gonna do?”

She lays her head on the older girl’s shoulder, pulling her tighter against her side. “Well, first we’re going to get some breakfast. Then we’re going to go buy some new music. And then we’re going to lie on the floor of my bedroom, soaking up the sun until we can’t remember any bad thing that’s ever happened to us. Okay?”

After a couple seconds she feels Jos’ head nod up above her, before a small voice says “okay.” Once they’re in the car Tyler hands Jos her phone, dictating a text to her boss explaining why she won’t be in today. Before Jos hits send she asks her if she’s sure, but all it takes is her firm nod for Jos not to press it further. Tyler tries not to glow, knowing how badly Jos wants to be with her in that moment. That Jos is having one of the worst days of her life, and seeks out Tyler for comfort, is evidence enough that there friendship has become everything to the two of them.

The diner’s quiet at only 7:00am, and they have their choice of tables. Jos doesn’t say much, but tears into her food when it arrives in front of her. They eat in silence for a while, Tyler not sure if the other girl wants conversation or not, and unwilling to break the comfortable silence surrounding them. Jos has a piece of pancake halfway to her mouth when she stops, staring at it.

“It’s not like I didn’t know this was short term. And how many times have I complained about them?” She shoves the pancake in her mouth angrily. “So why does it bother me so much?”

“Because it still meant something. They picked you, and that meant something. Even if it wasn’t going to be forever.”

“Yeah.” Jos’ breathes, shoving another forkful of pancake into her mouth. “Yeah.”

“Enough about them. You’re focusing on the ending, think about the beginning! Now you get to work with a band you really love, making music you really care about.”

The other girl snorts. “Why, you guys hiring?”

Tyler feels a wave of guilt crash over her. Guilt for not having a spot for her best friend, guilt for _wanting_ a spot for her best friend, and guilt for thinking Chris, a genuinely good guy and friend, could be replaceable. She stares down at her eggs, not speaking, and Jos seems to notice the change in tone. But Tyler doesn’t want to make it about her, not today, and she’s already waving off Jos’ apology as she starts to make it.

“I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair.”

They sit in silence for a few minutes, both refusing to say what they know the other is thinking. Finally Tyler can’t take it anymore. “Dude, watching you eat is terrifying. I’m glad I’m on this side of the table, lest I lose a hand into that huge gob.”

It elicits the response she was hoping for and Jos roars with laughter. Tyler feels a blush crawl over her cheeks as her friend disturbs the quiet of the relatively empty diner, but doesn’t feel guilty about it. Seeing Jos smile is worth any momentary embarrassment.   They exchange some good-natured barbs as they finish up their meal, and before long they’re back in Tyler’s car and headed to their favorite record store. The store has only just opened by the time they arrive, and is as empty as the diner. She loves an empty record store, loves feeling like it’s all there just for her.

“Okay, you pick one out for me, and I’ll pick one out for you. Deal?”

Jos nods before disappearing into the rows of CDs. Tyler heads for another section, trying to figure out just what she wants to grab. Nothing too heavy, something that’ll make her smile, perfect “chill out” music to listen to while you lay on the floor with your best friend contemplating the universe.   After selecting what she deems the perfect CD, she makes eye contact with Jos from across the store. Jos raises her eyebrows and Tyler nods. They both weave back to the front of the store, holding out their prizes in front of them.

“Backstreet Boys? Seriously?” Tyler makes a face that dissolves into laughter, and this time it’s Jos who looks proud of herself.

“Hey, they are a classic. And I can’t deal with anything too heavy today.”

“Fine, fine.” She continues to chuckle as Jos reaches for the CD in her hand.

“Besides, you’re one to talk. Carly Simon?” Jos looks like she’s just bitten in to a lemon, and Tyler points at her.

“That is the face of someone who has never, truly listened to Carly Simon. The woman understands pain Jos. And ‘Let the River Run’ is the song of a generation.”

“Yeah, a generation of bad hair.” She mutters, as Tyler scowls at her.

“Don’t knock it until you listen to it.”

They both check out with their respective CDs and head back to Tyler’s car. The house is empty when they arrive back, just as she was hoping, and they make their way up to the younger girl’s room. Tyler had chosen it specifically when they moved in for its west-facing windows. The basement was where she wrote music, where every dark thing owned real estate, but her bedroom would be full of warmth and sunshine. She’d started to regret it, two weeks into the summer, but not enough to abandon it.

“You, on the floor.” Tyler pointed and Jos obeyed, lying down near the foot of her bed, her head facing the window.

Tyler paused to throw it open before turning on the CD player and queuing up the music. As the first notes began to play she laid down on the floor beside the other girl, propping her feet up on the window sill, so that their heads were next to each other. With the slight breeze from the window the sun shining over their faces was warm, but not oppressive. Tyler could feel it settling into her skin, bringing pink to her cheeks.

When she was little her mom had often found her curled up in the shafts of sunlight coming from the windows like a cat. She didn’t do it as frequently now, but sometimes it was the only thing that made her feel comfortable. Especially when she’d spent too long in the basement, or too wrapped up in her own head. Her dad called it her photosynthesis.

Carly’s voice drifted through the room, and about half way through the song Jos spoke, her voice quiet. “You were right.”

Tyler turned to look at the other girl. Her eyes were closed, but she could still see fresh tears collecting at the corners. “It is the song of a generation.”

She scooted a little bit closer until she could press her forehead into the side of the other girl’s head. Jos’ hair was already warm from the sun, and smelled slightly of coconut. It was softer than Tyler had expected, curls pillowing against her skin. The touch seemed to be whatever Jos had been waiting for. She could feel her head shake slowly with the girl’s soft cries and Tyler stayed silent, trying to push every good thought about her best friend into her head from her own. _You’re a good friend. You’re the best drummer. This isn’t the end._

They stayed like that for a few songs, until Jos’ cries started to slow. Tyler’s eyes felt heavy, the smell of coconut and the warmth of the sun intoxicating. She barely registered Jos turning her head slowly, until they were face to face, their foreheads touching. Jos lifted a hand to cup Tyler’s cheek, her fingertips so much softer than Tyler’s own, string-mangled ones. Tyler smiles at the touch, unconsciously leaning into Jos’ warm hand.

“Thanks Ty.”

\- - -

Without the band to fill her time, Jos starts to pick up more shifts at Guitar Center. After one too many Jos-less afternoons Tyler finally decides she’s over being proud and spends her precious post-work time goofing around on the instruments, as Jos yells would you rather-s from across the store and in between customers. Chris joins after the first couple rounds and they spend the time until closing coming up with increasingly terrible choices for the other two to have to justify.

“Okay, would you rather sneeze spaghetti, or fart marinara sauce?” Her fingers tumble over the piano keys, playing nothing in particular.

“Is anyone else suddenly hungry?” Jos’ voice floats out of the stock room, and Tyler and Chris burst out laughing.

“I’m worried about you dude, seriously worried.” Chris shakes his head before turning back to the register, carefully counting before removing some of the cash for a drop.

“Answer the question!” Tyler brings her fingers down, hard, on the keys to punctuate her yell.

“Fine!” There’s quiet for a few minutes, before Jos emerges from the stock room, her arms filled with music books. “Sneeze spaghetti. Less mess and a convenient snack when I’m sick.”

“You’re gonna eat your own nose spaghetti? That is a new level of gross babe.” Tyler laughs, giving her friend a disgusted look.

“Why not? It came from me, I made it. It’s not like I’m collecting _your_ nose spaghetti during cold season and making a meal.”

Chris shakes his head and gives the older girl a similar look of disgust. “That is truly heinous dude. I love you, but wow.”

Tyler can’t help bristling at Chris’ casual drop of the “l word.” It’s so much easier for everyone to say it, even when they hardly mean it, but she can’t make the word leave her lips. All these months later and she’s still too nervous, too scared it’s too big of a step. Everything is overwhelming when it comes to Jos, as easy as their friendship seems. And she can’t figure out why.

“Whatever old man, you’re not invited to dinner. And we’re still waiting on _your_ brilliant answer.” Jos bustles around the shelves, replacing books where they’ve disappeared.

Chris sighs, thinking for a moment, before responding. “I gotta go spaghetti too. The sauce would just be way too much of a mess. But I’m not eating it. You sicko.”

Tyler and Jos laugh. “You know what? You find someone who picks spaghetti, and someone who picks marinara, and you’re set for life. Never gotta buy groceries again.”

“Oh my god dude” Chris says, at the same time Tyler goes, “Joselyn Dun, are you serious?” before both gag and begin chucking whatever is near them in Jos’ direction.

Jos bats it all away, laughing. “What? I’m just saying. We could cure world hunger!”

Both groan again and continue to throw more things her way. Tyler can’t stop laughing at Jos dancing out of the way of each projectile, bringing her hands to her ears and sticking out her tongue, clearly egging them on. After a while she runs out of things to throw, turning back to the piano and tapping out a quick jig for Jos to dance to. The older girl figures it out quickly, hamming it up as she side-steps and bounces around the music book stands. It makes her laugh all the harder.

“Alright, alright, calm down children. Jos, we close in an hour, how far along are you on your closing checklist?” Chris’ voice cuts through the noise, ever the adult.

“Half way done, sir.” Jos snaps to attention, bringing a hand to her forehead in a mock salute.

“Just make sure you’re three quarters of the way done by nine, okay?”

“Sir, yes sir.” Jos completes her salute and rushes for the stock room, already filling her arms with items. Tyler watches her, a smile on her lips and slowly rises from the piano. Chris takes notice and turns her way, before entering the office with the cash from Jos’ register.

“Hey Ty, how about something on the uke? Something mellow.” Tyler nods and Chris gives her a wink before disappearing into the office.

She wanders over to the strings section, picking up her favorite of the ukuleles they carry (a $500 beauty she couldn’t afford in her wildest dreams), and settling on to one of the chairs arranged in the open space between the instruments. She picks at it for bit, not because it needs tuning, but just to adjust herself for the change in instruments. The uke still feels delicate and unfamiliar to her, not like the well-worn keys of the piano, and she handles it with a kind of reverence.

“Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I can’t help falling in love, with you.” Her singing is soft, traveling through the empty aisles and filling the store. The words come easy, it’s one of her mother’s favorite songs, and she can still remember sitting in her lap as the record player turns in the corner, the lyrics whisper-soft from her mother’s lips. Tyler lets her eyes fall closed, her fingers steady, finding each string when she needs to. The song is slow, a lullaby when played this way, and at the end she can barely open her eyes.

Jos is leaning against one of the display cases, her arms crossed and peering at Tyler with a peculiar look on her face. Her eyes are soft, and there’s a hint of a smile at the corner of her lips. It makes a blush bloom across the younger girl’s cheeks. “What?”

“Nothing.” Jos gives her head a small shake, like she’s trying to clear her thoughts and the smile widens. “That was really pretty Ty. You guys should play it sometime.”

“I dunno. It doesn’t really sound like anything else we’ve done.”

“So? That’s why it’s great. It’s unexpected.”

Tyler smiles, looking down at the uke. “Yeah.”

“You gonna play anything else?”

“What do you wanna hear?” Tyler settles the uke back against her chest, resting it on her knee before bringing her eyes back up to her friend.

“Whatever you wanna play babe.” Jos gives her one last smile, before wandering off to another part of the store and resuming her duties.

Tyler can’t help the little flip her stomach does at the casual use of the endearment, smiling down at the instrument as another blush warms her cheeks. She knows it doesn’t mean anything, after all she calls Jos “babe” just as casually, but still a feeling of warmth radiates up from her toes. She picks at the strings again for a bit, still unsure what she wants to play, before settling on another old favorite. This one was her dad’s, from sunlit drives in his old jeep.

“I may not always love you, but long as there are stars above you, you never need to doubt it. I’ll make you so sure about it.” Jos wanders by again as she sings, throwing her another warm smile that Tyler mirrors. When she finishes the simple song she continues picking for a bit, until she slides into another song seamlessly. This one she can hear Maddy singing along to in her head, the both of them lying on the carpet of her little sister’s bedroom. The next she pulls from Zack, and finally one from Jay, all the songs she’s loved and grown up with. As the last notes die down a warm hand comes to rest on her shoulder.

“We’re all done. Want a ride home?” Jos has her coat on, the hood of a sweatshirt peeking out the collar.

“Yeah, sure.” Tyler replaces the uke and follows her to the front of the store. It’s quiet now, most of the lights already off as Chris waits for them at the door, the darkness of the evening thick and inky outside. Tyler feels like if she speaks she’ll break the spell. They both hug Chris goodbye before sliding into the seats of Jos’ old pickup. Jos seems to share her thoughts, switching off the radio as she turns on the car.

They drive back to the house in silence, the pickup’s ancient heating system slowly enveloping them in warmth. Tyler glances out the window, following each dip of the telephone wires, just barely making out clouds against the star-filled sky. Her eyes are growing heavy, and she lets the night settle around her shoulders like a blanket. The pickup cab is narrow, and it takes little movement for her to lean to her left and rest her head on Jos’ shoulder. The older girl says nothing, but Tyler feels her hum underneath her cheek.

Her last thought before she starts to drift asleep is that this must be what heaven is like.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am honestly overwhelmed by the love and support this fic has gotten. You guys are amazing, thanks for sticking with me.

The first time she says it offhand, like it’s just occurred to her. “I could go to Nashville. I’m sure there’s work for a drummer there.”

Tyler snorts but her eyes don’t leave the TV screen, where Peach is roaring around a corner. “Yeah, you could learn to say ‘ain’t’ and marry a cowboy. You mom would be so excited.”

Jos laughs. “I’m serious dude. With all the music being made there, there must be someone looking for a drummer.”

“Wait, _are_ you serious right now?” She tears her eyes away from the screen to look at the older girl. Jos takes the opportunity of her distraction to rush ahead, letting out a triumphant whoop as she crosses the finish line. Tyler hardly notices, instead trying to stamp down the sudden panic that’s risen in her throat. Would Jos really leave? Would she really move thousands of miles away? Would she really leave her all alone?

Jos hits pause, letting the controller come to rest in her lap, before turning to face her. “I don’t know, maybe? I don’t want to work at Guitar Center forever, T.”

“I know but, Nashville?” Tyler looks down at her lap, her voice small. “That’s so far away.”

The other girl doesn’t say anything for a moment, just looking at her. Finally she turns back to the TV, hitting a button on her controller and bringing the game back to life. She’s already flipping through courses before she speaks again, quieter this time. “It was just an idea.”

They don’t mention it again the rest of the night.

\- - -

The next time it comes up they’re back at Guitar Center. Jos is behind the register, leaning on the counter with her arms crossed. Tyler sits next to her on the counter, legs swinging back and forth as she looks out over the store. It’s empty, not exactly a happening spot on Tuesday night, but they both prefer it that way. They’ve already finished one round of would you rather-s, and Tyler is eying the bass guitars. Nicky’s been showing her a few things during rehearsal, and she can feel that itch again. Time to try something new.

“Do you think it’s a stupid idea? Going to Nashville.”

Tyler doesn’t trust herself to look at the other girl, already knowing the hurt that must be in her eyes. She knows it’s not personal, Jos isn’t thinking about it as leaving Tyler, she’s just trying to do what they both have been dreaming about. Opportunities in Columbus are few and far between, and she knows that, but it still stings. After less than a year of friendship Jos has become essential to her life, someone she can’t imagine not seeing every day, or talking to late into the evening. Maybe Tyler had inflated her position in the other girl’s life.

She purposefully kicks her feet a few times, trying to appear nonchalant. “No. I know how much you want to be playing music, and they’re certainly doing that in Nashville.”

“Do you think they’d even want me?” Jos’ voice is quiet, and Tyler turns to face her. The older girl won’t meet her eyes, peering out over the store, but Tyler knows she doesn’t see it. She knows what it feels like when doubt pools in your stomach, when you don’t feel like enough. It hurts her to know her best friend feels like that, and she suddenly has the urge to punch every member of House of Heroes in the dick.

Instead she reaches for the other girl’s hand, giving it a squeeze until Jos finally lifts her head to look at her. “Of course they would. You’re an excellent drummer Jos, they’d probably fight over you down there.”

Jos gives her a small smile, turning over her hand until she can lace her fingers with Tyler’s, giving it a responding squeeze. “Thanks T.”

The moment hovers between the two of them, and Tyler can feel the tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. She forces her smile to widen, clearing her throat. “Just know, I’m going to call you every day with some terrible new would you rather and I will expect an answer.”

The other girl laughs and the weight lifts from her chest. “I think I can handle that.”

Jos releases their hands, placing her palms on the counter and pushing herself back, letting a whoosh of air out of her chest. Her eyes meet Tyler’s, excitement and nervousness swirling through them. “Wow, am I really considering this? Am I really gonna leave Columbus?”

Tyler’s smile is starting to hurt her cheeks, but she doesn’t let it falter. “Sounds like it.”

“Wow.” Jos looks down at the counter, her eyes wide. “You know I’ve never left Ohio? Not even with House of Heroes.”

“My baby, growing up.”

The two of them chuckle, but Tyler knows it’s not as lighthearted as it appears. It’s a big step, and they both know it. Tyler starts to let herself imagine what’ll be like without her there. She thinks about all the times she’s texted her at two in the morning, when her brain is snarling at her in the darkness. She thinks about laughing so hard on the couch that she nearly spits out her soda, and the smell of coconut when they lay on the floor debating the merits of hair bands or rappers who take themselves too seriously. Everything is tinged with her best friend.

Tyler pushes off from the counter, knowing that if she sits there for much longer, allowing her mind to roam, that she won’t be able to stop herself from begging Jos to stay. It would be selfish, and she would hate herself for it, but she wouldn’t be able to hold back the words tumbling from her lips.   She can’t remember ever feeling like this about another friend. Isolating herself had never been an active decision, but she’d found herself most comfortable alone. It wasn’t what anyone would probably deem healthy, but Tyler hadn’t had anyone to pull her out of it, to show her anything different. That had changed.

“I need to play something, all this sitting is killing me. Any requests?” She’s already walking towards the pianos, and Jos’ voice follows her.

“Whatever you wanna play babe.” The last word is a punch to the gut, and Tyler swallows thickly, squeezing her eyes shut.

She’s being stupid. It’s not like they’ll stop being friends, right? They’ll still talk, and keep each other company when they can’t sleep. Until Jos’ schedule gets even busier. Until she’s playing sold out venues and traveling the country with her new band, who can’t imagine what they ever did without her. Until she barely has any time for herself anymore, let alone Tyler. Until she lays her head on her pillow each night, falling blissfully into sleep on the heels of the complete exhaustion that only comes from being truly fulfilled in life.

And Tyler will stay here, grinding away, trying to make her dream come true. She’ll have Nicky and Chris, but something will always feel like it’s missing. Like there’s an empty space at her elbow, always just out of sight. Suddenly she realizes how unwilling she is to do all of this without Jos in her life. Without her smiling face in the crowd, or her hands lifting up the drum at the end of the night, those familiar curls bouncing along to every beat. Without her by her side.

She can’t think of anything to play, but knows she has to keep her hands busy. Her head is screaming at her, and she can feel a physical pain starting to pulse between her eyebrows. The cool, ivory keys help, pulling her back into reality. Instead of trying to replicate anything she just plays, picking notes that resonate in her chest and buoy her thoughts along instead of pulling them down further. She gets lost in it, not realizing how long she’s played until she looks up. Jos is standing at the edge of the piano, her face drawn tight.

“Ty?” The older girl takes a deep breath, like she’s trying to decide if she should continue or not. “Are you sure I should go?”

Tyler swallows audibly, pasting the smile back across her face. “Of course. It’s what you want, right? To play music? You should go where you can play.”

Jos is looking at her, but Tyler can’t read her face. It’s all starting to look blurry around the edges, and she can’t tell if it’s because she’s close to tears, or because Jos is trying to keep her feelings hidden. “And there isn’t any reason for me to stay?”

“Just so that you can play Mario Kart with me.” Tyler tries to laugh, but it sounds strangled, and she knows she’s making it weird. “I should go. I’m probably just distracting you.”

She’s already standing up, barely catching Jos’ quiet “yeah” above the squeak of the piano stool. “I’ll talk to you later okay?”

She doesn’t wait for a reply, already striding toward the front of the store, trying not to run. She doesn’t look back at Jos’ face, doesn’t see the sadness in her eyes or the disappointment weighing on her shoulders. Her eyes burn with unshed tears, but Tyler doesn’t let them fall. She hates herself for being so emotional, for making everything so serious, each decision the end of the world. The car is warm and inviting, after the chill of the evening and she’s grateful for it. It’s not until she’s pulling away that she finally lets the first tear roll down her cheek.

\- - -

They don’t speak for a while, and Tyler can feel herself falling back into old patterns. Most nights she gets only a few hours of sleep, curled up on the old couch in the basement, her notebook across her chest where it falls. There’s never enough coffee, and work feels like a blur. Silently she praises her decision to quit school, knowing she’d never make it through in her current state. She can see the worry in Nicky’s eyes, every time they pass each other in the morning: her on her way to bed coming off the nightshift, Tyler on her way to work in the early morning. Chris is less obvious, but she catches them glancing at each other over her head again.

“So Jos told me about the move.” Chris is staring at her, taking a sip of his own coffee like he’s got nowhere else in the world to be.

He’s expecting a response, she realizes. “Yeah. Sounds like a big opportunity.” She doesn’t bother trying to put a smile on her face, masking it with her coffee cup instead.

“Definitely. I know she’s bummed to leave though.”

“She is?” She hates herself for how small her voice is, how she can’t make eye contact with Chris, staring instead at the inky black liquid in her second favorite mug.

“Oh yeah. She’s told me multiple times that she doesn’t know how she’s going to deal without us there to keep her from going nonverbal when she’s anxious.”

She does have a tendency to do that, Tyler’s noticed. Usually she’s gregarious, and literally one of the funniest people Tyler has ever met, but as soon as that anxiety creeps in she’s another person. Tyler knows what that’s like, knows when your head is screaming at you that it’s hard to listen to anything else. Hard not to just repeat what you hear. That’s usually when Tyler jumps in, answering questions or making jokes until Jos can hear her again.

“She’ll be fine, she doesn’t need me.” She takes another sip of her coffee, trying to keep the bitterness from her voice.

“Doesn’t mean she won’t miss you.” Chris’ voice is quiet this time, and she can’t help her eyes darting to meet his. They’re full of sadness and pity, and it makes the bile rise in her throat. She’s so pathetic, even Chris can see it. Moping over this girl she hasn’t even known very long, acting like she can’t live without her.

The room feels smaller all of a sudden, and she can feel her breath hitch in her throat. She doesn’t answer, just pushes away from the counter she’s been leaning on and heads for the stairs. It’s early still, and sunlight is barely starting to trickle in through the window in her bedroom. She throws it open, letting the cold morning air wash over her face, and taking a deep breath. The nausea’s still there, still threatening to tear her wide open, and she takes a few more breaths, trying to settle her stomach. After a few minutes she begins to shiver, and finally closes the window.

Her stomach still clenches painfully every time she thinks about the look in Chris’ eyes. She feels like a raw nerve, exposed and at everyone’s mercy. She’s too open, too transparent, and she wants desperately to hide it all away. When did everything change? When did Jos become such a huge part of her life that her absence can affect her this way? The other girl isn’t even gone yet, and already Tyler feels like she’s taken 20 steps back from where she’s moved forward.   She takes another sip of coffee, the bitterness on her tongue and the burn in her throat helping to ground her.

As if summoned, her phone chimes loudly from her pocket, and Tyler withdraws it to see the familiar drum emoji. It’s all too much of a coincidence, and she knows Chris must have told her what’s been happening. She hates feeling like a child, like her band mates need to check up on her to make sure she’s okay. No one comments on the fact that she’s made it this far already, that she deserves a fucking medal for doing so. They’re always worried about tomorrow, when Tyler’s just proud of today, and they never say what she needs to hear. She wants to ignore the text, but she can already feel her fingers moving to open it.

_Can we do lunch today? I don’t have work until 2:00 and my body may shut down if I don’t get a taco in it soon._

The smile is instantaneous, and a fresh wave of disgust rolls over her. Chris is right, she is pathetic. All it takes is one text and she feels infinitely better. She shouldn’t let Jos affect her like this. When she’s gone there’ll be nothing to keep her on track, only herself. Knowing her behavior is unhealthy isn’t enough, she has to be able to rise above it. Still, she wants to let herself lean on Jos one more time. Just for today.

_Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll pick up and bring them to your place?_

_Cool. See you in a bit._ Jos’ reply is only seconds behind, and Tyler lets herself think that maybe the other girl needs her as much as she needs Jos.

The drive to Jos’ apartment isn’t a long one. The fact that they lived within blocks of each other was one of the first things they’d discovered they had in common, when they’d first started hanging out. Neither of them had realized at the time just how long that list would get. The complex is quiet, and Tyler doesn’t see anyone else on her walk through. She has only a moment after knocking on the door to feel apprehensive before it’s swinging open.

“Hey.” Jos has a smile on her face, but it feels different, and Tyler’s suddenly painfully aware of the fact that they haven’t spoken in a few days. It shouldn’t feel so weird, she can go months without speaking to some of her old high school friends, but with Jos it’s different. Their almost constant contact, no matter the time of day, has become the norm, and even 24 hours of silence feels like a lifetime. She can feel the awkwardness settling into her movements, making her doubt every thought and action. She knows she’s only making it worse but now that she’s aware of it she can’t stop.

“Thanks for bringing these, I’m starving.” Jos reaches for the Taco Bell bag, and Tyler’s glad for something to do that she doesn’t have to overthink.

She follows the older girl into the apartment, and through to the kitchen. Jos’ apartment is always more put together than the house. Tyler doesn’t know if it’s the fact that only two people live there instead of three, or that Jos is an inherently more organized person than Tyler, but she never realizes how messy her place is until she visits Jos’. The kitchen is similarly clean, not a dirty dish in the sink, or an open box of cereal anywhere. It helps lessen Tyler’s anxiety, and she’s reminded again how much a clean house helps with having a clean mind. It’s something she forgets often.

Jos grabs two plates from the cabinet, handing one to Tyler after placing two tacos from the bag on top. She places two more tacos on her own plate, before jumping up on to the counter and balancing the plate over her lap. They eat in silence for a few minutes, every crunch of their tacos sounding like a gunshot. Tyler can practically feel the nervousness coming off Jos in waves, and she hates that she’s made this so uncomfortable. It’s her fault for storming out of Guitar Center, for cutting her out the last few days. She has to fix it.

“I’m sorry, for being so weird the other day.” Her mind is yelling at her to shut up, to stop being so fucking _sensitive_ , but she ignores it. “I was just surprised.”

“It’s okay.” Jos is looking at her with a mouthful of taco, but Tyler can’t meet her eyes.

“No it’s not. We’re friends, and I should support you in what you do. Especially music. You really are an amazing drummer Jos, and you deserve to be in a project that knows how lucky they are to have you, I just—“ She takes a deep breath, the words catching in her throat. “I’d miss you, a lot. And I know that’s selfish, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t go, because you should, I’m just—“

But she can’t finish, because Jos is already grabbing the plate out of her hands and putting it on the counter before pulling her into a hug. The other girl’s hands are fisted in the collar of her shirt, those warm, freckled arms wrapped around her neck. The scent of coconut washes over her, and Tyler can feel her heartbeat slow to a regular rhythm. Jos’ curls are tickling her nose but she doesn’t care. She wraps her own arms around the girl’s back, pulling her in as close as she dares.

Jos’ words are muffled, whispered into Tyler’s neck, and goose bumps rise across her shoulders. “I’m so scared Ty. I’m scared I’ll move there and fail. I’m scared nobody will want me. But leaving you is the scariest part.”

She desperately wants to whisper back, “then don’t go” but she stops herself. She can’t be selfish, she can’t keep Jos all to herself, as much as she wants to. Jos belongs on stage, just like she does. She belongs in front of a crowd, playing her heart out, doing what she loves. Tyler can’t hold her back from that, just because she’s scared of being alone.

She tightens her arms around the older girl, and feels Jos do the same. They stay like that for a while, neither speaking. Finally Jos starts to loosen her arms and Tyler follows her lead. When they pull back they find that both of them have tears in their eyes, and they chuckle awkwardly as they swipe them away. Jos lets out a long breath and smiles, this time looking genuine. Tyler does the same, finally feeling like it isn’t forced.

“I thought it was just me. But you’re going to miss me too.”

“Of course I am, you idiot.” Jos laughs, shaking her head. “I talk to you like every day, and I spend more time with you than anyone else. You think there isn’t going to be a massive, Tyler-shaped hole in Nashville?”

Tyler laughs, finally feeling validated, and it’s like the last few days have slipped off her shoulders.

“At least you still have Chris and Nicky, I’m going to be alone.” The smile is still there, but Tyler can see her realizing the truth of her words, and she’s instantly reaching for her hand.

“Hey, I’ll still be here. You can call me or text me whenever you want, and I won’t even try to pretend that it’s not the best moment of my day any time you do.”

Tyler can see fresh tears in the corners of Jos eyes, and she can’t help mentally kicking herself for how stupid she’s been. Her best friend makes a life-altering decision, to pursue her dream all on her own, and Tyler makes it about her. She should have been there from the beginning, assuring her she could do it, telling her how brave she is, how fucking proud she is for even thinking about doing this. She’s braver than Tyler has ever been, and suddenly she has to tell her.

“You’re so brave Jos, braver than me. And you’re going to be amazing.”

Jos is crying for real now, and pulling Tyler into another hug in the same moment Tyler reaches for her. They end up wrapped around each other again, this time with Tyler’s arms around her friend’s neck, her nose buried in those soft curls. She doesn’t let herself cry, knowing this moment is for Jos. It’s her turn to be the strong friend, to support her through everything, and she refuses to let herself buckle under the weight.  

\- - -

Their next show feels bittersweet. When she catches sight of Jos in the crowd, smiling at her and mouthing along to the lyrics, she can’t help wondering if it’s the last time. Jos reassures her she has a lot of planning to do, and she’s not going to just up and leave the next week, but still. Every second feels like borrowed time, and Tyler doesn’t want to let it slip through her fingers. She tries not to let it distract her, tries to focus back on the crowd where her energy and attention belong, but it’s a struggle. She can’t help glancing back in Jos’ direction every few moments, convinced that the next time she looks the older girl will be gone.

At the end of the show Chris and Nicky give her some space. They all know how different things felt on stage, and Tyler doesn’t have to ask for a second to collect herself. It’s not the first time she’s grateful for the friends and bandmates that seem to know her so well. The greenroom is familiar by now, it’s musty couch as comfortable as her one at home, it’s barren walls almost soothing. Their gig poster is taped to the wall, next to the large mirror she and Nicky gather around to adjust their make-up before the show. Never anything too crazy, but enough to be striking. It’s one of the few times being a girl comes in handy.

Tyler doesn’t know how long she’s been sitting there, lost in her own thoughts, before there’s a small rap on the door. “T, you decent?”

“Yeah, what’s up?” The door opens and Nicky enters, a guy seemingly their age at her heel.

“Wanted to introduce you to someone. This is Mark.” Nicky gestures and the guy steps forward, hand extended.

Tyler stands to shakes it warmly, a smile on her face. “Hey Mark, nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too. I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed the show. You guys are magnetic.” He looks unsure about the outpouring of enthusiasm, but it makes her smile widen.

“Thanks man. That’s really nice of you to say.”

“Mark’s in to graphic design. He works for a t-shirt company and he’s interested in collaborating with us.” Nicky raises her eyebrows in Tyler’s direction and she gets the hint.

“On something for the band? Seriously? That would be so cool.”

“Yeah, I mean,” Mark rubs at the back of his neck, blushing. “You guys have some awesome stuff on your merch, but I’d love to help you come up with something new. If you want it.”

The last words come out in a rush, and Tyler understands the nervousness undercutting them. “Yeah man, that would be awesome. We still don’t have a logo yet. Maybe you could help me with it?”

“For sure.” Mark looks like he’s just been handed a shiny new toy and Tyler’s affection for the boy is instantaneous. It’s not just that his enthusiasm is directed at her and twenty one pilots, but that there’s so freaking much of it. She can’t help thinking back to the first time she watched Jos drum, knowing that she was watching someone do something they truly loved. Already she could see the gears during in Mark’s head, and she couldn’t wait to see what he came up with.

“Awesome! I don’t have work tomorrow, you wanna grab lunch or something and talk? I can give you a general idea of what we’re looking for, and then you can just kinda run with it. I’d love to see whatever you think of.”

“Yeah, cool, that sounds great.” He’s beaming, and it’s the first time since Jos announced that she’s leaving that Tyler feels genuinely excited.

They exchange numbers and say their goodbyes. Mark is almost out the door before he stops suddenly, spinning back to face the girls. “I do videos too, if that interests you guys. Behind the scenes stuff, or a music video, or whatever. I can show you some of my stuff tomorrow.”

This time it’s Tyler’s mind that starts running away with her, already putting images to words. It’s like watching a whole new world open up in front of her. “I can’t wait to see it.”

Mark gives her another warm smile, easy to return, before he disappears through the door.

\- - -

With the decision officially made, Tyler throws herself into helping Jos plan for Nashville. It’s the only thing that distracts her from thinking about her best friend leaving, and the thankful smiles Jos gives her every time she helps her solve a problem keep her breathing at an even pace. Instead of would you rather-s Tyler uses her time at Guitar Center to flip through craigslist ads, yelling out a particularly interesting one to Jos in between customers. Jos comes up behind her at the piano, and puts her chin on the younger girl’s shoulder, so she can better see the phone.

“Looks nice, utilities included?”

Tyler slides her finger down the screen, skimming the ad before making a face. “No.”

“Too expensive. But I like where your head’s at T.”

The chin disappears and Tyler tries not to obsess over its absence. Every casual touch is precious these days, a reminder that soon enough they’ll be gone. Tyler finds herself memorizing each one, building a catalogue for her to flip through when the world gets to be too much, and she can’t have the real thing. She wonders if Jos is doing the same thing, and she finds herself reaching out almost unconsciously. Every time it’s met with a smile, and Tyler can’t help the warmth that flows over her.

Chris comes out from the stockroom and Tyler busies herself with her phone again. He’s always been cool about her essentially distracting Jos for most of her shift, but she doesn’t like to push it. She knows they’re a bit much sometimes, and honestly he would have been totally justified in telling them to knock it off most days, but he never does. It’s what she expects of him, Chris has been kind and decent from the very beginning, but the last thing she wants to do is take advantage. He drops the box of items at the front counter, before making his way back to Tyler.

“Hey, I can’t make rehearsal tomorrow, I’m sorry. I picked up an extra shift.”

“No worries dude. Nicky’s still helping me try to figure out the bridge of that song, so I’m sure we’ll find some way to occupy ourselves.” She gives him a warm smile. “You’ve been picking up a lot of shifts lately, are you being taken advantage of Christopher?”

She tilts her head, giving him a mockingly serious face, and he laughs. “Nah, I’m well appreciated here. Just trying to chip away at my freaking debt dude.”

Her smile falters, not expecting such an honest answer. “Oh, yeah. I get that. No worries man.”

“You sure? I feel like I’m not giving you guys enough of my time lately and I feel like shit.”

Tyler stands from the piano stool, placing her hands on his shoulders. “Chris, it’s fine, seriously. I get that other things need to come first sometimes. Don’t beat yourself up, we’re good.” She gives his shoulders a soft squeeze, and finally the older man smiles.

“Thanks T, I really appreciate that.”

“Of course. Now back to work you slacker! I have apartments to find. Goodness knows Jos isn’t going to do it herself.”

“Hey!” Jos’ voice comes from somewhere in the back of the store and they both laugh. Tyler gives Chris one more smile before he walks away, and she’s happy to see it returned. She watches him head back to the counter, pulling items out of the box waiting for him. It suddenly occurs to her how many great people music has brought into her life, and Tyler can’t help the smile that breaks out on her face. To think, she hadn’t even known what she was missing.

\- - -

The weeks seem to slide by too fast, and all at once Jos’ departure is around the corner. Helping has only gotten her so far, and Tyler’s found herself back in the basement, throwing herself into music. She’s managed to avoid any looks from Chris or Nicky, but she knows they’re not far. Every action is a conscious decision to show them that she’s fine, that this is all okay, that she’s on board. It feels like an act, but even she tries to convince herself it’s real. If she tries hard enough she can almost believe it.

She glances up from her notebook at the sound of feet on the stairs. Chris’ torso comes into view, followed closely by his head, and Tyler gives him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, am I being too loud?”

Chris holds up a hand, shaking his head. “No no, you’re fine. I just needed to talk to you about something.”

“Oh sure.” She places the notebook on top of the piano, spinning on the stool to face him and bringing her hands into her lap. “What’s up?”

Chris takes a seat on the old couch at the back of the room, and Tyler knows this isn’t going to be a short conversation. “I know I’ve been taking on a lot more shifts at work, and you’ve been so cool about it, which I really appreciate.”

Tyler opens her mouth to reply that “of course, it’s fine” but Chris holds up a hand again. “Wait, just let me say this or I’m gonna to lose my nerve.”

Her stomach twists uncomfortably and suddenly Tyler’s anxious.

“I appreciate you being so understanding, and I know you said I don’t need to feel like shit about it, but I still do. This band means a lot to me, and I hate that I can’t give it the attention it deserves. But I have to be realistic about some things, and I have to make some hard decisions.”

She watches him take a deep breath, and realizes she’s been holding her own.

“I have to leave twenty one pilots. They’ve offered me a promotion at work and I have to take it, Ty. This is my chance to make some decent money, to really focus on paying my student loans back, and to be ready when I wanna get married someday. I can’t turn it down. I’m sorry.”

Tyler feels her stomach drop, and she wouldn’t be surprised if a black hole had opened underneath her feet. Everything is suddenly gone—her anxiousness, her fear—replaced with a numbness that envelopes her whole body. Chris’ voice seems muffled, and Tyler can’t register anything she’s looking at. He can’t leave. Chris is the whole reason there’s a band. She would have never tried without him, would have never thought it was possible. He can’t leave her. Not now.

“Ty?” Her name reaches her somehow, and she recognizes she hasn’t said anything for a while.

She looks up to meet his eyes and they’re full of fear. Not for him, she realizes, but for her. He knows what he wants, knows that this is the right decision for him, but he’s worried about how she’ll take it. It’s so like Chris to be worried about her that she can’t help the tears that are suddenly swimming before her eyes. She wipes them quickly, not wanting to make him feel any worse than she already has, and gives him a watery smile.

“No, it’s okay. I understand.” Chris still looks worried and she doubles down. “Seriously, I’m fine, I’ll be fine. I’m so happy for you dude.”

They both stand and Tyler pulls him in for a hug. Everyone’s leaving. She tries not to choke on her own dark thoughts, and Chris seems to notice, pulling her in tighter. “Thanks T. I really am sorry.”

Tyler pushes back so she can hold him at arm’s length, another smile pasted on her face. “It’s fine, stop apologizing. I should be thanking you. I never could have done this without you, dude. I didn’t even _think_ I could do this, but you did. Twenty one pilots is because of _you_ , Chris. Don’t forget that.”

The older man clears his throat gruffly, and Tyler can see the tears in the corners of his eyes. She releases him, knowing he’d prefer a second to collect himself than have both of them crying in the small basement, and pretends not to notice when he turns his back to her and swipes at his cheeks. When he turns back around she’s ready to act like everything is normal, and the two of them smile at each other again. This time it feels genuine and Tyler’s proud of herself.

“Thanks Ty. It’s meant a lot to me, being in this band.” He rubs a hand over the back of his neck, and glances up the stairs. “Well, I should get to work I guess. I just, wanted to tell you before I took the promotion.”

“Thanks, I really appreciate that. Guess I better start looking for a drummer.” She plops down on the stool, already feeling defeated, before turning to yell up the stairs behind him. “Hey, you know anyone looking for a job?”

“You know,” He laughs over his shoulder before his head disappears up the stairs. “Weirdly enough I do.”

\- - -

Tyler lasts all of twenty-four hours before her whole body is vibrating at an inhuman frequency. Nicky smiles at her on their way past each other the next morning, and Tyler realizes she doesn’t even have to ask the other girl, she already knows who their new drummer should be. The idea of an all-girl band is almost as exciting as the idea of playing with her best friend, and Tyler can’t wipe the smile off her face. She tries to act normal, going to work, and showing up at Guitar Center as usual. They trade would you rather-s, Chris makes fun of them for their answers, and Tyler tries to give nothing away. Finally Jos’ excruciatingly long shift is over, and before long they’re heading out in the pickup.

“I’m hungry, can we get breakfast?”

Jos looks over at her from the driver’s seat, a look of confusion on her face. “It’s 10:30 at night.”

“So? The diner’s open 24 hours, and time’s not real anyway. I can eat breakfast whenever I want.” Jos laughs and Tyler gives her a smile. “Please? I really want waffles, and I don’t have work tomorrow morning.”

“Fine, fine.” Jos pretends to be exasperated but smiles as she heads for the diner.

It’s as quiet as that morning, so many months ago, and Tyler is secretly pleased. She enjoys the dichotomy of those two days—this time Jos is in the driver’s seat, a smile on her face instead of tears in her eyes—but she likes the similarity as well. They’re like bookends for this period of time in their lives, and Tyler can’t wait to see what comes next. They slide into a booth, and before long their food is in front of them. Tyler lets the conversation meander through the mundane until she just can’t take it anymore.

“Okay,” She lifts a bite of waffle and points at Jos with it. “Would you rather move to Nashville, or be the drummer of twenty one pilots?”

Jos chokes on her eggs and shoots her a glare. “Ha ha.”

“I’m serious.”

“Stop it T, it’s not funny.” There’s genuine hurt in Jos’ eyes, and Tyler almost loses her nerve.

“Just answer, please.” Her voice is quiet and Jos takes a deep breath before speaking.

“Be the drummer of twenty one pilots. I’d give anything to be the drummer of twenty one pilots.” It’s barely a whisper, but Tyler hears it, and a huge smile breaks out over her face.

“Good. ‘Cause I want you to be the drummer of twenty one pilots too.”

Jos eyes her warily, but can’t seem to figure out why she’s smiling. “That’s great Ty, but the position’s not exactly available.”

“It is now.” Tyler takes a long sip of her juice, just to watch Jos squirm. “Chris quit yesterday. He recommended I ask you.”

“Shut up, you’re messing with me. This isn’t cool.” Jos points a finger at her, but it’s all for show. Tyler can already see the smile starting to spread across her face.

“I’m not, I swear. Nicky and I want you to be our drummer, Jos. We want you in twenty one pilots. Do you want the job?”

Jos stares at her, looking for a moment like she might cry. “You swear this isn’t a dream?”

Tyler laughs and takes her hand, giving it a squeeze. “I swear.”

“Then hell-fucking-yes I want the job.”

Tyler can’t help the laugh that bursts from her lips. Jos is beaming at her, obviously proud of herself, and when she slides out of the booth Tyler mirrors her. She’s wrapping her arms around Jos at the same time she’s wrapping her arms around Tyler’s neck and they’re back where they were all those weeks ago. This time Tyler’s happy for the tears on her cheeks, and she can finally take a deep breath, knowing that her best friend isn’t going anywhere.

“We're gonna play together T. You and me. We’re gonna play music together.” Jos’ words are quiet, whispered only for her, and she feels the goose bumps erupt over her shoulders again.

She smiles against the older girl’s hair. “Does that make you happy?”

They lean back to look at each other, and Tyler has never seen such a blinding smile on Jos’ face. “So freaking happy. Forget Nashville, this is exactly where I want to be.”

Tyler can’t help returning her smile, getting caught up in her best friend’s enthusiasm once again. They still have their arms around each other, Jos’ warm skin leeching into her own, and Tyler can smell coconut in the air. Jos has that look on her face again, but instead of sadness in her eyes they’re filled with genuine joy, and Tyler’s never felt something so strong directed at her. She’s suddenly hyper aware of how long they’ve been like this, tangled up in each other. Jos is making no move to separate them, and Tyler finds that the last thing she wants to do is pull away.

With them this close she could almost count the freckles across the bridge of Jos’ nose, watching as her eyelashes kiss her cheek with every blink. She feels warm and grounded for the first time in a long time, and there’s not a thought in her head. Tyler didn’t think she could ever feel like this, constantly at war with herself and shrouded in her own darkness, though music had gotten her close. This felt different though, like that morning the two of them spent in her bedroom listening to Carly Simon. And Jos, she realized, was the sun.

The moment weighs heavily on her, all of a sudden, and Tyler finds she’s not ready to handle it. She takes a step back, her arms falling from around Jos’ waist, and she thinks she can see disappointment in the other girl’s eyes. Still, they smile at each other awkwardly, and Jos removes her arms from around Tyler’s shoulders. They slip back in to the booth, still stealing glances at each other, and returning to their food. Her waffles are suddenly dry, despite the overabundance of syrup they’re swimming in, and Tyler feels them stick in her throat. She should say something, she’s making it weird.

“So, when’s my first rehearsal?” Jos comes to her rescue yet again, her smile brighter than the fluorescent lights above their heads.

Tyler laughs, swallowing. “That’s right, that’s kind of part of being in the band huh?”

This time it’s Jos who laughs, nodding. “Yup. An important part, I’ve heard.”

“How about this weekend? You’re not working on Saturday right?” Tyler can’t decide if it’s weird that she has Jos’ work schedule memorized, but the other girl doesn’t seem to give it much thought.

“Yeah, that would be perfect. I’ll have to load everything up at my place, but I could probably be at your guys’ house by like 10:00?”

“Sounds great.” Tyler can’t help the smile on her face again, but Jos picks shyly at her food with her fork, eyes downcast.

“Wow. Playing with twenty one pilots. Aren’t I the lucky one.”

Tyler waits until she’s looking at her again, until she can give her back all the happiness she’d seen in the other girl’s eyes only moments before. “No, I am.”

\- - -

The morning of their first rehearsal with Jos Tyler’s like a kid on Christmas. She wakes before the sun, unable to coax herself back into sleep, and resigns herself to coffee instead. The kitchen is empty, as expected, and she enjoys the silence as she moves around readying the pot. She can’t help the reflexive deep sigh that leaves her lips, as soon as the warm mug is clasped between her hands. She can so vividly remember grimacing at even the smell of her father’s cups of black coffee, and here she is practically worshiping the drink. Growing up really is a strange experience.

Before long Nicky joins her in the kitchen, grabbing her own mug from the cabinet, and settling against the counter once it’s full. Tyler lets her take a few good gulps before speaking. She knows how hard her work schedule is on her, how hard it is to switch like this, and treats every morning minute as the gift from her it is. Nicky notices her eyeing her and smiles with appreciation, before nodding slowly. Tyler’s careful to keep her enthusiasm at a low volume.

“I thought we could run her through the set list for the next show first. Make sure she feels comfortable with it before we throw anything new at her. As much as I’d love her opinion on Anathema.”

“Sounds good.” Nicky nods again, taking another sip of her coffee before continuing. “Am I being mean to Chris if I say I’m really fucking excited about having an all-girl band?”

Tyler laughs. “I mean, if you are, I am too. I wouldn’t change our original line-up for the world, but the idea of doing this, together, is really cool. Eleven year old me is super pumped.”

They share a laugh over their coffee cups, and Tyler feels lighter than she has in a while. Once they’re both done with their liquid breakfast they head back upstairs. Tyler spends an embarrassingly long amount of time in front of her closet, trying to choose what to wear, before deciding she’s being stupid and throwing on whatever’s closest. She doesn’t quite know why she’s worried, she knows Jos is a great drummer and the two are _friends_ , so she has no reason to be nervous. Still, she putters around tidying up her room like her mom is coming to visit, and trying to convince her stomach to settle.

A few minutes after ten there’s a knock at the door. Tyler’s surprised to find Jos waiting behind it, a departure from her usual pattern of just letting herself in, and it’s obviously clear across her face. Jos sticks out a hand and Tyler takes it dumbly, still not sure what the other girl is doing.

“I’m Jos, I’m here about the opening for a drummer?” Her grin is absolutely cheeky and Tyler can’t help laughing.

“Jos, great to meet you, so glad you could make it.” She gestures behind her into the house. “Please come in, make yourself at home.”

“Cool.” Jos heads directly to the kitchen, pulling Tyler’s box of Lucky Charms out of its spot on the top of the fridge, and digging a hand in before jumping up to sit on the counter. “So what’s the plan, babes?”

Tyler laughs again, shaking her head. Even when she’s not aware of it Jos still puts her at ease. She leans against the counter, arms crossed, and watches as Jos shovels cereal into her mouth. Nicky pads down the stairs a moment later, joining them in the kitchen. She seems to find Jos’ actions similarly hilarious, if her stifled snort is any indication. Tyler watches her grab a bottle of water from the fridge before answering.

“We thought we’d run you through the set list first, since we have that gig in two weeks, and see what you think. Then we can focus on anything giving you trouble. Sound good?”

Jos nods, her mouth full of cereal, and tries to respond. Tyler glances at Nicky, finding her face equally blank, and turns back to Jos. She lifts a hand to her ear, tilting her head in Jos’ direction. “I’m sorry, was that English?”

The other girl swallows loudly before sticking her tongue out at Tyler. “I said, ‘sounds good.’ Should I go get my kit?”

“I dunno, you willing to surrender my cereal?” Tyler raises an eyebrow at the box clutched in Jos’ hand and Jos shoots her a look.

“Ha ha. Just for that you have to help me.”

Jos gives her another cheeky grin before hopping off the counter and replacing the cereal on top of the fridge. Tyler only has time to mutter “I was going to anyway” before the three of them are out the door and headed towards Jos’ truck. The drum kit is in the bed, covered by what seems to be Jos’ childhood princess comforter, and Nicky takes a moment to give her a hard time about it. Jos blushes, but before long all three of them are laughing, especially when Tyler brings up how often Nicky used to make her play “Pretty Pretty Princess.” Between the three of them they get the kit downstairs in only one trip, and twenty minutes later Jos is on the stool, giving the snare an exploratory rap.

“Okay, all set.” She looks up at Tyler expectantly, that look of pure joy on her face again. “What ‘cha got girls?”

“We open with Ode to Sleep.” She makes a face, already feeling guilty. “Which has the most tempo changes of literally any song we play—“

“Oh yeah, I know. Thanks.” Jos looks properly put out, and the other two girls laugh.

“Sorry. Just watch Nicky for the changes, and if we need to go at half speed or take a second just let me know.”

“I’m good.” Jos’ confidant smile is back, and as the first notes of the backing track come up Tyler finds that it’s not undeserved.

Jos not only keeps up with each change but starts adding her own spin on things. Before long Tyler finds that she can’t believe the song ever worked without each tap of the snare or beat of the kick drum that the older girl adds, and she can’t help the smile that breaks out over her cheeks. When the song comes to an end Jos insists she’s good to keep going, and they launch right in to the next. She never misses a beat, never second guesses herself, and Tyler has to consciously refocus herself, lest she get distracted by the image of Jos ( _her Jos_ ) drumming along to _her music_ like she’s been imagining for months. It’s like watching her dream played out in real life, and Tyler should pinch herself she’s so incredulous.

They make it through the set list in one go, and at its finish Tyler can’t help but glance at Nicky. The other girl has a similar look of amazement on her face, like she can’t believe what she’s just witnessed. Both of them turn to look at Jos, clearly gob smacked, as her cheeks erupt in a blush.

“What? You guys know I’m a fan. So I practiced a bit a home, no biggie.”

Tyler laughs and leans back from the piano. “A bit. Sure.”

Jos shrugs with a smile, but the blush is still there. “So what’s next?”

“Well, if you’re good with all that, we can kind of do whatever. I figured we’d spend the time going over the set a few times, but clearly I underestimated you.” Jos is beaming at her, and Tyler can’t help but return the smile.

“Show her Anathema.” Nicky pipes up to Tyler’s right, and Jos’ eyes go wide with curiosity.

They spend the next hour working on the song Tyler’s had in her head for weeks. It’s by far the most different thing they’ve ever done, and she can’t help thinking it’s the perfect first song to come from their new collaboration. Jos is shy at first, holding back until Nicky speaks up, and then coming in to agree or add on, but she finds her voice quickly. Their rapport, built over the last year, is invaluable and she meshes in easily with the other two girls. By the end of the rehearsal Tyler feels invigorated, and hates that their show is still so far away.

Jos hugs them both before she leaves, but seems to hold on to Tyler just a few moments longer. Tyler doesn’t mind, letting coconut and curls wash over her. Jos holds her out at arm’s length and she laughs at the peculiar expression on the other girl’s face. “What?”

“I just still can’t believe it. I’m the drummer of twenty one pilots.”

Tyler smiles at her as Jos lets go of her shoulders. “Just wait until your first show.”

\- - -

Walking into the venue feels like a brand new experience. Which it technically is, Tyler realizes, since it’s the first time they’re walking in together, as the new twenty one pilots. The moment doesn’t seem lost on Jos, who looks properly stunned despite having been there countless times before, and Tyler can’t help the fondness in her eyes as she smiles at her best friend. Jos reaches out for her hand and she gives it a soft squeeze, pleased when the older girl returns the smile. They make their way back stage, dropping their stuff before returning to Jos’ truck to unload everything. Chris is there, helping Jos set up the kit and giving her quiet words of encouragement. It makes Tyler want to cry.

The crowd is as enthusiastic as ever despite, or maybe because of, the change in lineup and Tyler wants to hug every one of them. It’s easy to vamp in between songs, to smile and thank them for coming, and each cheer warms her whole body. She keeps an eye on Jos, glancing at her every so often to make sure she’s still doing okay, but it turns out she’s worrying needlessly. She looks effortlessly comfortable on stage, sure of each movement, and Tyler has to stop herself from getting mesmerized by those bouncing curls. It’s so reminiscent of that first night she watched her with House of Heroes, and she still can’t quite believe that they’re sharing the same stage.

Trees feels different, knowing that Jos won’t be holding one of the drums, but she finds that she likes the feeling of knowing that she’s at her back. It’s safety and support, and everything Tyler’s been looking for in music. The crowd’s cheers are deafening with their final bow, and the other girls move to exit the stage before Tyler grabs the mic one last time.

“We just want to thank you guys, again, for coming tonight. Doing what we love isn’t possible without you.” She smiles as the crowd cheers. “We also want to thank you for giving such a warm welcome to our new drummer, Jos Dun. Let’s give her another round of applause for such an incredible first show.”

The venue erupts with noise and a blush breaks out over Jos’ cheeks. She takes another bow, and shakes her head at the crowd, laughing. “Have a good night everybody!”

They leave the stage to continued cheers, all three of them sharing smiles. When they’re safely hidden away in the greenroom Tyler pulls them both to her, wrapping her arms around their shoulders. They mirror her, until all three of them are tied together, pressing their foreheads to one another. Tyler doesn’t say anything, letting the moment hang over them. They can still hear the crowd out in the venue, feeling each other’s heartbeats through their skin. Even with her eyes closed she knows that all three of them are still smiling, still riding the high of doing this thing that they love. Finally she leans back to look at them, feeling tears prickling at the corners of her eyes.

“I fucking love you rock star babes.”

Nicky laughs and Jos gives her arm a small squeeze. They finally separate, each wandering to her own corner to towel off and try to shed the stage persona. Tyler can’t keep the smile off her face, despite the exhaustion starting to settle into her limbs, and when they head back out into the venue it’s still there. They spend some time wandering around, talking to anyone who stops them, taking pictures and going over moments from the show. She makes sure to comment on every recognized face, even if it’s just to thank them again. The room slowly starts to clear, and they head back up to the stage to break things down.

Chris is there again, despite the fact that Tyler knows he has an early shift the next day, and he helps to carry everything back out to the cars. After a particularly heavy load, and before they head back into the venue, Tyler pulls him into a hug, squeezing tight. He’s surprised at first, but quickly reciprocates, laughing. She doesn’t say anything, she knows he already knows, but she still tries to give him every thought of love and gratitude she can manage. They separate after a moment, and Chris gives her shoulder a small squeeze, before they head back inside.

Before long everything is packed, and Tyler’s looking at an empty stage. It’s always weird to see it so barren, when it was so full of energy not so long ago, but she loves the idea of it. Now it’s up to someone else to fill it, with their own wild and crazy journey. As they exit the venue Jos offers her a ride home, and they head out in silence. They both have their windows down, letting the cold night air wash over their faces. Jos’ cheeks are pink from the cold and it makes Tyler smile.

Before she can think too hard about it she reaches out for her hand. Jos notices out of the corner of her eye, removing one of her hands from the steering wheel and grabbing it, before lowering them to rest on the seat between them. The older girl flashes her a warm smile, which Tyler easily returns, and they settle back into a comfortable silence. All too soon they’re back at Tyler’s house, and Jos comes to a stop. Tyler glances out the window, not wanting to let go of Jos’ hand, not wanting the night to be over, and looks back over at her best friend. Jos smiles with understanding in her eyes, and Tyler’s struck again by how lucky she is to have found someone who gets her so easily.

“We can sit for a minute. Marinate in it.” Tyler laughs at Jos’ word choice and leans her head back against the seat.

“I just don’t want this night to end. Playing with you is a dream dude.”

“I know what you mean.” Jos looks down at their clasped hands, smiling shyly. Tyler can see a hint of a blush in her cheeks and a wave of affection rolls over her. Her beautiful best friend—unsure of herself but filled with a light that takes Tyler’s breath away, pulling her out of the darkness and thrusting her into the sun. She can’t believe she gets to do this, that she gets to make music with the person she trusts most. She’s luckier than she ever dreamed she could be.

Tyler lets out a long sigh, her shoulders slumping. “Okay, I guess I should go.”

Jos follows her out of the car, coming around the front until they’re standing next to each other on the sidewalk, looking up at the dark and quiet house. Tyler pulls her in for a hug and Jos does the same, wrapping her arms around Tyler’s neck. She always feels safest like this, with her best friend settled over her shoulder like a blanket, the smell of coconut in her nose. Tyler takes a deep breath, feeling her heartbeat slow in her chest. The moment lingers, and Tyler pulls her face out from Jos’ shoulder to meet the other girl’s eyes.

That look is there again, the one she can’t quite quantify. It’s happiness, and affection, and something else that Tyler can’t name, all wrapped in the warmth of Jos’ endless brown eyes. They’re only a breath away from each other, and with each exhale Tyler feels a shiver go down her neck. She watches Jos’ eyes dart down to her lips before meeting hers again and then, so slowly that Tyler barely realizes it’s happening, she’s leaning forward, until she can feel Jos’ breath tickling her lip. She doesn’t move, hardly breathing, and her eyes slide closed, a soft hum on her lips.

Jos freezes at the noise and the abrupt lack of movement jars them both. Tyler’s eyes snap back open to find the other girl’s own eyes filled with fear. Her arms are suddenly gone from Tyler’s shoulders, and she shivers from the cold left by their absence. The older girl takes a few steps back, looking whiter than a ghost and Tyler instinctively leans toward her, wanting to fill the space separating them.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I—“ She’s backing up further and Tyler wants to reach out for her again, but stops herself. “I should go.”

“Wait, Jos.” She watches as she circles the car and opens the door, rooted to the spot. “Hey, just wait a second.”

“It’s fine, I’ll talk to you later okay?”

And then she’s gone, the pickup disappearing down the street. Tyler stands there for a few moments, cold and confused, her arms wrapped around her as she shivers. She can’t make sense of all the thoughts running through her head, can’t organize them in a way that makes sense. Everything feels strange and unfamiliar, and there’s a lump in the back of her throat. The cold helps her focus, and while it takes her a little bit, she finally realizes what she’s feeling: disappointment.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, not the best note to end things on, but I hope you'll forgive me. I'm on vacation the next two weeks, so don't be surprised if the next update is slow coming. <3


	3. Chapter 3

Jos is silent all weekend, and it’s the longest they’ve gone without talking since Tyler’s freak out over Nashville. Her brain is so unbelievably loud she can’t concentrate on anything, and spends most of the weekend lying on her bedroom floor, listening to music with a face full of sunshine. It still doesn’t help. She goes in circles trying to figure out if she misread the situation, if what was about to happen _was_ actually about to happen. She hadn’t pulled away, hadn’t _wanted_ to pull away, but had opened herself up to it, and felt completely at peace with that decision. The idea of it sends her spinning.

She’d never thought it was _wrong_. Her church was pretty progressive, as those things go, and while it hadn’t been celebrated it had never been vilified either. Honestly she’d never had any strong opinions on the matter, she’d just never considered it for herself. Since the day she came home from preschool, all of four years old, and announced to her mother that she had a boyfriend she knew she’d liked guys. She’d had crushes on them, fantasized about them, and imagined sharing her life with them. That had never been up for debate.

But girls? Sure, she’d had a not-so-healthy dose of body envy growing up, but who didn’t? Girls were practically conditioned to compare themselves to each other; it was every industry’s bread and butter. She’d stared at long, tanned legs wishing they were hers, appreciated the crinkled nose of a cute smile, and wondered if anyone was looking at her smile the same way. She’d watched Jos drum and marveled over the hard lines of her back, admired the spray of freckles across her shoulders. But didn’t everyone feel like that?

By two in the morning Sunday night she found she couldn’t distinguish between what she thought had been body envy, and what she now thought might be attraction. Every time she closed her eyes she saw Jos’ lips coming towards her, felt her stomach coiling in anticipation as she leaned forward to meet them. She thought of all the times the other girl’s warm hand had brushed her skin, and how she’d instantly felt its loss when it was gone. But they were friends. She’d held Nicky’s hand before, had put her head on a friend’s shoulder at a sleep over, or draped her legs over a lap during a movie. It was just the casual intimacy of female friendships.

Right?

On Monday her brain was still a mess, but she didn’t think she could put off talking to Jos any longer. Only a few days earlier she’d gotten everything she’d been dreaming of the last year, and she wasn’t about to lose it all over a moment she wasn’t even sure had happened. She still had no idea what to say, and her throat felt tight as she walked up to Guitar Center that afternoon. Through the window she could see Jos behind the counter, ringing someone up before yelling over her shoulder, no doubt to Chris somewhere else in the store. She takes a deep breath, ready to face the awkwardness that’s no doubt waiting for her, but is met with the opposite.

“Hey, Chris just chose toes for fingers, over fingers for toes. Please tell him how crazy he is.”

It’s like nothing ever happened. Jos is smiling, exasperation with their friend clear in her eyes, but leaning casually against the counter with her arms crossed. Tyler can feel her heart hammering in her chest, but Jos looks completely unaffected. Not by Tyler’s presence, not by what happened Friday night, not even by Chris’ would you rather response. It makes her head spin painfully again. Maybe she _had_ imagined it all. Maybe her mind had made it bigger and scarier than it actually was, driving her crazy for the last forty-eight hours, when nothing had actually happened.

“Um, yeah. You’re crazy Chris.” Her voice wavers, and Tyler feels like she’s yelling too loudly, but she can’t hear her own voice through the pounding in her ears.

Jos’ smile slides from her face, and concern fills her eyes. “Hey, you okay?”

Tyler wants to yell, to scream at her that she doesn’t understand. Why is she just standing there? Why is she acting like she didn’t try to kiss her two days ago? Like she didn’t literally run away from her in fear? But she can’t. Doubt rolls over her and instead she takes a deep breath, slapping a smile across her face.

“Yeah, totally fine.” She swallows. “So, fingers for toes right?”

“Obviously.” Jos rolls her eyes and waves a hand in Tyler’s direction before yelling out over the store. “See Chris, at least Tyler has some damn sense. Stuff those toe-fingers in some longer shoes and move on with your life. Don’t make things difficult by trying to pick stuff up with those stubby, hairy things on your feet.”

Jos turns back to smile at her again. “So how was your weekend?”

It feels like a trap. What is she supposed to say? _Well, I spent the last forty-eight hours having a crisis of self and rethinking my every move since preschool, but otherwise uneventful. You?_ She can’t think of a story to give her instead, so she just offers the smallest grain of truth. “Mostly listened to music and tried to chill out.”

“Photosynthesizing again?” Jos smiles at her fondly and Tyler feels it like a punch to the throat.

She nods, already heading to the pianos. It’s easier to talk when she doesn’t have to look Jos in the eyes. “I still can’t get that section right for Ruby. Mind if I work on it?”

“Yeah no, of course. Go for it.”

Tyler breathes a sigh of relief as customers start to wander in, pausing briefly behind her at the piano to listen, before moving around the store. Her fingers move aimlessly over the keys for a bit, warming up and giving her time to think. Even if something did happen, like she thinks it did, Jos clearly doesn’t want to talk about it. Her forty-eight hours of silence and obvious avoidance of the topic makes that pretty clear. Does she want to push? Will it make her feel better to force the issue? Or will that lose her the best friend she’s made in a long time?

But she can’t stop focusing on the fact that it’s _Jos_. Questioning her sexuality would be difficult enough without having to seriously examine if she’s falling in love with her best friend. Maybe love is too strong a word. Sure, she loves Jos, but as a friend, right? She loves talking to her and being with her, and when she thought Jos was going to kiss her—god, she wanted to kiss her too. But that’s just a crush. She’d had crushes on boys before, even dated a few before they got stupid competitive about sports. Just because she had a crush didn’t mean it was love. She could wake up tomorrow and be totally over it.

By the end of her fourth pass at the song she’s made her decision: if Jos wants to act like nothing happened, then she will too. She can’t get back the last two days, but honestly she’s not sure she wants to. Even if they never talk about what happened, even if what she thinks was going to happen was all in her head, it forced her to think about things she’d never thought about before. And as scary as those thoughts are, Tyler feels relief for knowing herself a little better. Suddenly there are so many late night thoughts she understands, so many anxious feelings that make sense, and it helps her feel like she’s not going crazy.

With her decision made Tyler feels like she can finally look Jos in the eyes again. There’s still a part of her that feels awkward, that can’t believe they’re really going to skip over this huge thing, but she knows it’s not worth losing her best friend over. She wanders back up to the front of the store and leans against the counter, waiting patiently as Jos rings up a customer. Once they’re finally out the door, and the store is empty again, Tyler watches as the professional workplace persona falls off the older girl’s shoulders. She gives Tyler a smile and Tyler returns it, trying again to seem genuine.

“You get it figured out?” Tyler almost chuckles at how ironic Jos’ words unknowingly are.

“Not completely, but I’m getting there.” She glances out over the store briefly, before turning back to the other girl. “I hate to leave you in your time of boredom but I should get going.”

Jos nods. “Yeah, no worries. You up for some Mario Kart tonight?”

“Always.” Tyler smiles again, and this time it doesn’t feel forced.

“Cool. I’ll come by after work.”

“See you then.”

* * *

By week’s end everything’s almost back to normal, which is why Tyler probably shouldn’t be surprised that it’s suddenly going to shit. Nicky catches her in the kitchen one morning, and she already knows it has to be something big, if Nicky’s putting off sleep to talk to her. The other girl won’t look at her, focusing intently instead on her water bottle, while Tyler nurses the cup of coffee clasped between her hands. She and Jos had been up until almost two the night before, their conversations punctuated by “just one more” round of Mario Kart. Tyler had walked away victorious, but her head was pounding as a result.

“Dude, what is it? I know you would rather be sleeping right now, so let’s just do this.” Tyler knows she already sounds like she’s on the defensive, but it’s too early in the morning for beating around the bush.

“I—“ She watches Nicky take a deep breath, as her stomach flutters. “Fuck. Ty, I have to leave the band.”

It’s the last thing Tyler’s expecting, and she feels her jaw go slack with shock. She has to hand it to Nicky, at least she didn’t do this down in the basement, like Chris had. It was still hard enough for her to go down there, without feeling that afternoon wash over her again, and having had it happen to her twice would have made it all the worst. Still, the coffee is suddenly even more bitter on her tongue, and Tyler can feel her head start to spin. This can’t be happening. Not again.

She feels her legs start to shake, and suddenly she’s sliding down against the cabinets until she can rest on the kitchen floor. Her mug balanced on her knees, Tyler takes a few deep breaths, trying to slow down her heart rate. The pounding in her ears drowns out almost everything else, but somehow she hears Nicky trying to continue. She can’t even look at the other girl, eyes staring off somewhere in front of her. Tyler knows that if she looks at her she’ll start crying, and it’s the last thing she wants.

“My grades are just shit right now and between work, and school, and the band I just… I can’t do it T. I thought I could, I really thought I could, but if I don’t bend somewhere I’m gonna break. I can feel it.”

Tyler wants to protest, to say something, anything, but when she opens her mouth nothing comes out.

“I’m sorry. I know how hard it was on you when Chris left, and I was really excited about doing this with you and Jos but I have to give myself a break. I just have to.” There’s a pause, before Nicky’s voice is back, quieter this time. “And if you never forgive me, I’ll understand.”

The pain in her words is razor sharp, and it finally pulls Tyler out of her own head. She turns until she can see the other girl, and her shoulders fall at the view. Nicky is hunched over, tears visible at the corners of her eyes, where they stare into nothing on the floor. She knows how much this band means to the other girl, how much she’s loved building it with her. They were just kids, messing around in a basement, and now they had an album, and actual fans, and something incredible they’d built together. _She_ couldn’t imagine not being a part of it going forward, and knew how hard this decision must have been for the other girl.

“Hey, you have nothing to be forgiven for.” Nicky still won’t look at her. “You hear me?”

She waits until the other girl’s eyes finally meet hers to continue. “You don’t have anything to apologize for Nicky. Just because you don’t want to be a college dropout like your loser roommate doesn’t mean I’m going to hate you forever. Okay?”

Nicky gives a small laugh and finally smiles. “Okay.”

Tyler gives her a small smile in return, before gesturing over her shoulder. “You should get some sleep.”

Nicky nods and pushes away from the counter. “Thanks Ty.”

Even when Nicky’s footsteps have long-since disappeared up the stairs Tyler finds she can’t move from the kitchen floor. Her coffee is growing cold in its mug, but she doesn’t want to drink it anymore. Despite her few hours sleep she suddenly feels wide-awake, her mind buzzing that familiar anxiety-tinged buzz. Where does she go from here? What does she do? There’s no back-up plan for Nicky, no other guitarist in her back pocket. It’s just her and Jos.

_Jos._

It’s the thought of her best friend that gets her up off the floor. Tyler throws a sweatshirt on over her pjs and is in the car within moments. Jos’ apartment complex used to feel like a maze, but now she finds herself in front of the door not knowing how she got there so quickly, her mind on autopilot. She gives the door a few quick raps and waits, longer than she would have expected, for Jos to answer. The older girl’s curls are in disarray, her hand rubbing at one of her eyes like she’s literally trying to remove the sleep still resting there.

“Ty? It’s like five in the morning, what are you doing here?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize, I should have waited. Or called, or something. I’m sorry.” She turns to leave but Jos’ hand catches her arm.

“Hey, hold on a second. I didn’t say you had to leave. Idiot.”

Tyler turns back around to find Jos smiling at her fondly, and it’s enough for the tears she’d been holding back to finally break through.

“Woah, hey, what’s going on?” Jos immediately pulls her into a hug and Tyler practically melts into the other girl, her hands fisting in Jos’ hole-riddled t-shirt.

She doesn’t answer, but just lets herself cry while Jos makes quiet, comforting noises. At some point the other girl steers them into the apartment and on to the couch in the living room. Tyler releases her grip on Jos’ t-shirt just long enough to settle against her side instead. Jos is still making comforting noises and has her hand resting softly on Tyler’s head, cradling it against her shoulder. Tyler wants to feel pathetic for coming this far undone in front of the other girl, but instead she just feels safe. So she cries.

She’s not sure how long the tears fall, until suddenly there just aren’t any more left. Somewhere along the way Jos had lowered her head until it was resting on top of hers, replacing the hand that had been there, and softly rubbing her back instead. The noises had ceased, and Tyler might almost have suspected that Jos had fallen asleep, if not for that hand moving quietly at her back. With the end of Tyler’s hiccupping cries the only sound that can be heard is the soft rub of skin against fabric. Tyler finds it comforting.

Jos seems to take her silence as an indication that she can ask her question again. “What’s going on Ty? What happened?”

“Nicky quit this morning. She said she wants to focus on school. So I guess twenty one pilots is over now.”

Jos lifts her head and Tyler can practically feel her eyes on her. “Why do you say that?”

Tyler finally removes her head from the other girl’s shoulder, swiping the lingering tears from her eyes, before meeting the other girl’s. “Because, we can’t have a band with two people, Jos. How would that even work?”

“Honestly, I don’t know.” She sighs before turning back to Tyler. “But do you want to stop playing music?”

“No.”

“Well, neither do I. So, let’s do this.” That confident smile is back, but Tyler is still unsure.

“Just the two of us?”

“Just the two of us. We’ll make some backing tracks, and we’ll switch some things up on stage. It honestly might be a little more attention than I ever really wanted, but I’ll learn to deal.” They both chuckle and Tyler starts to feel warmth pooling in her stomach. “I still want to do this Tyler. With you. Are you in?”

She doesn’t answer right away, instead searching her friend’s eyes for any hesitation, any worry that they might not be able to pull this off. Instead she finds certainty, and the kind of faith in her that she didn’t think was possible. It’s scarier than standing in front of her parents and quitting basketball. Scarier than the first time she ever let someone listen to her music. Scarier than the first time she set foot on stage. But somehow, with Jos, she knows they can do it.

“I’m in.”

Jos’ smile is positively blinding.

* * *

Not long after she comes completely undone on Jos’ couch, but way before she starts to truly feel confident that they can pull off this two woman band thing, she answers a knock at her door to find Mark waiting outside. He’s been a staple at their shows since their first meeting, and they’ve spent a good chunk of time going over stuff for the band, but he hasn’t quite crossed over into friend territory and it’s not by accident. Tyler’s feeling especially cautious lately, terrified that someone else is one heart-pounding conversation away from pulling her world out from underneath her feet, despite the calm smile she tries to keep in place. Still, she can’t deny that she likes Mark, and they definitely get along. His unexpected appearance on her stoop is by no means unwelcome.

“Hey dude, what’s up?”

“Hey, can I talk to you about something?” Mark looks nervous and Tyler’s blood instantly runs cold.

“Uh, sure. You wanna come in?” Honestly, she’d rather have this conversation in the doorway than in the comfort of her living room, but those manners hardwired by her mom are reflexive. Right now the room reminds her of late nights with Jos and movie nights with her roommates, but if what she thinks is about to happen does happen it’ll be ruined just like the others.

“Sure, thanks.” Mark kicks his shoes off at the door before taking a seat on the couch.

Tyler follows him silently and plops on to the opposite side. Might as well be comfortable. “So what’s up?”

“Okay, so have you heard of Ichthus Music Festival?” Tyler shakes her head silently and he continues. “It’s this Christian music festival they hold in Kentucky every year; a couple of my buddies have gone in the past and said it’s pretty cool. Anyway. They posted that they were looking for bands a little while ago, to round out their lineup, and we’d literally just talked about how you wanted to try and expand the fan base outside of Ohio, so I kinda… submitted twenty one pilots.”

Tyler’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise and Mark takes note. “I know, I should have asked first, and I honestly meant to tell you, I just thought it’d be better to jump on it and then the thing with Chris happened and I just totally forgot about it.”

Some of the shock dissipates from her face, and Mark takes this as a cue to continue. “Anyway, they contacted me last night and… you guys got in. They want you to play all three days of the festival, on one of the smaller stages.”

“Are you serious?”

“I’m sorry, I know this is the worst possible time, with you and Jos trying to figure out the whole two person band thing, and if you want me to cancel I can totally do that. I’m so sorry dude, I did not mean to drop the ball like this.” Mark looks panicked and Tyler holds up a hand for him to breathe.

“No, no, I’m not mad dude, I’m just shocked. We got in to a music festival, seriously?” Tyler can’t help the grin that spreads out over her face, and she watches Mark take his first deep breath of the conversation.

“I mean, yeah. The spot’s yours if you want it.”

“Wow.” Tyler slumps back into the couch, trying to figure out how to process Mark’s news and the opposite emotions she totally thought were coming only a few minutes ago. “When is it?”

“In like a month.”

“Wow.” Tyler repeats, her mind running a mile a minute. “We could probably be ready in a month right? We just need to finish up a few more backing tracks, and it’s not like the stage set up is going to be complicated with only two of us. Kentucky’s only a few hours away, we could go down in the morning that first day, and come home after our last set, so we would only have to pay to camp for two nights. Right?”

Mark’s nodding quietly as she runs through everything, but speaks up at her final question. “Does that mean you want to go?”

“Yeah, I think I do. We have to see if this two woman band is going work, and we might as well hit the ground running. Besides, I’ve never been to Kentucky.” She flashes Mark another smile and he returns it. “Thanks dude, for submitting us. That’s really cool.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Mark’s cheeks are pink at the unanticipated praise and Tyler feels a rush of affection for him. Maybe it’s time to stop keeping him at arm’s length.

“You’re coming with us right? So you can take some video?”

“I mean, yeah, if you want me to.”

“Good. Can’t have this historic moment in twenty one pilots history and not have our video historian along with us.” Tyler swears she can see Mark puff up at her words, and it makes her smile widen. “Okay cool. Guess I better call Jos and make sure she’s on board. I honestly can’t imagine her saying no, but you wanna stick around for a sec? We can go grab some food and start figuring things out once I’m done.”

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

* * *

Tyler volunteers to drive first, since she’s usually awake at four a.m. anyway. Mark joins her in the front seat (absurdly excited despite the early morning hour) and Jos commandeers the back as they take off into the dark. They’re not even to Cincinnati before they’ve lost the drummer, already snoring softly on the mattress they managed to stuff into the back of the van, surrounded by their bags and camping supplies. Mark fiddles with his camera briefly, before turning the lens on her. She holds up a hand, a protest already on her lips.

“No way dude, way too early.” She’s cautious of the volume of her voice, not wanting to wake the other girl.

“You’re the one who wanted me to document, you can’t complain now.” He’s laughing and Tyler heaves a sigh of resignation.

“Fine, fine.”

“So where are we headed?” His grin is cheeky and Tyler tries not to roll her eyes.

“We’re on our way to Wilmore, Kentucky for Ichthus Fest.”

Mark makes a circular motion with his hand, encouraging her to continue. “And are you excited to be heading to Ichthus Fest?”

This time she does roll her eyes before she speaks up again. “I’m excited, but I’m nervous too. This is the first time twenty one pilots have ever played at a festival and it’s just Jos and I. I’m not worried about the show, I know we’ll do fine, but I am kind of worried no one will show up. Especially when they see it’s just the two of us. Can we be entertaining enough to catch their attention? Or are they going to write us off immediately?”

Mark doesn’t answer her, and she realizes she’s supposed to pretend he’s not there. “I dunno. I guess all we can do is put on a good show and hope they like what we do.”

Mark lowers his camera and Tyler turns to look at him briefly. “That okay?”

He nods. “I’ll get some stuff from Jos when she wakes up too.”

They settle back into a comfortable silence, focused on the road. Occasionally Mark pipes up with a question, or Tyler offers a would you rather, but for the most part they both seem content to enjoy the quiet of the empty, early morning roads. At the end of her shift she pulls into a McDonald’s and softly shakes Jos awake. The older girl takes her spot at the wheel and it’s Tyler’s turn to curl up on the mattress in the back. It’s surprisingly comfortable, and despite her certainty that she won’t be able to sleep she seems to blink and wake up in Kentucky.

The festival is larger than she expected, and more than a little confusing. Add to that the fact that none of the volunteers seem to know where to send them, and Tyler can feel panic starting to well up in her chest. Jos likes to rib her about being a perfectionist on stage, but it’s absolutely true. The last thing she ever wants to do is give a performance than she’s not proud of, or one that she doesn’t think is worth everyone’s time and attention. Particularly somewhere where she can’t lean on the familiarity of repeat fans.

Between all the confusion there’s not much time to set up camp beforehand like they had planned, and instead they head straight for the stage. Tyler knows it’s a decision they’ll regret that night when they’ll have to set up, exhausted, in the dark, but she knows better than to comment. Mark and Michael (who drove ahead early with all the equipment taking up every available space in his mom’s Suburban) are already being so generous with their time and support, the last thing she wants to do is be ungrateful. Instead she busies herself with setting up, trying to push down the ever-present nerves that persist no matter how long she’s been performing.

Jos seems to notice her being particularly quiet and casually bumps into her a couple times as she crosses the stage. Each one forces Tyler to look up from what she’s doing, just in time for Jos to make some new and terrible face at her. It makes her laugh every time. By the fourth pass Tyler is laughing continually and shoots her best friend a grateful smile. “Alright, alright, I’m good.”

Jos nods in satisfaction and returns her focus to the drum kit. Between the four of them they get things together pretty quickly. Tyler slips some headphones on to listen over the backing tracks one more time, and feels the weight of Jos’ chin settle down on to her shoulder, before the older girl reaches out a hand to lift the closest ear pad. She doesn’t say anything, just listens along to the track for a bit, before replacing it and moving back to help the boys with one of the amps. Tyler hardly breaths until she’s gone.

Before long it’s almost time for their set, and the four of them are clustered behind the stage, hiding. Mark is fiddling with his camera again, in a way that makes Tyler think there’s nothing actually wrong but that he’s just nervous. And Jos is staring off into space, her hands twitching occasionally with enough rhythm that Tyler is pretty sure she’s mentally going through the set. Of the four of them Michael’s the only one who seems calm, his eyes scanning over the crowd behind their shoulders. Tyler takes a deep breath, trying to shove down her nervousness somewhere below her diaphragm before addressing the little group.

“Okay, we got this. Michael will run the backing tracks, Jos and I will do our thing, and Mark will do his best to make us look like bad-asses. We’re good.”

“We’re good.” Jos repeats, before giving her a small smile.

“Still in?”

Jos’ nod is immediate, and her eyes fill with resolve. “Still in.”

“Alright, let’s do this.”

* * *

By the end of the set it doesn’t matter how little she’s slept, or how tightly her anxiety is coiled in the pit of her stomach, because she can’t help getting sucked up in the energy of it all. Even though they don’t know the words, the crowd cheers and sways along to every line. She hears a collective gasp every time she finds a higher and higher surface to summit, and can’t help smiling (even though it doesn’t really fit her hard stage persona). Jos seems to hit her drums even harder than usual, and Tyler finds herself mirroring every dip of her head, every bounce on the seat. They’re frenetic and unstoppable and Tyler loves every second of it.

When they finally exit the stage, drenched in sweat, to take up residence next to the merch table, Tyler can’t keep the smile off her face. Slowly fans trickle over, asking for signatures, giving encouragement, and even leaning in wordlessly for hugs. Tyler makes a point to speak with each and every one of them, asking them what they enjoyed, what they’d change, why they decided to stop by their set in the first place. It’s incredibly validating to see so many new faces, but instantly see that familiar feeling of kinship between them. That’s why they do it: to be another voice that brings people together.

“That was such an awesome show.” Tyler feels the blush creep over her cheeks, as she flashes a blonde girl who looks around her age a wide smile.

“Thank you. I’m so glad you enjoyed it.”

“Yeah, my boyfriend and I thought you guys were great. I can’t believe there’s only two of you, you guys have enough energy for a whole five piece band.”

They share a laugh and Tyler sees Jos glance at her out of the corner of her eye. “We’re certainly trying. Thanks for coming to see us play.”

The girl gives a quick wave and a goodbye before she and her boyfriend disappear into the crowd. She’s replaced almost as quickly by a guy who appears only a couple years older than her. “Are you guys local?”

“No, actually, we’re from Columbus.”

“Bummer, I’d love to check out another show.” The guy smiles and leans in, handing over his copy of the self-titled album to be signed.

“Well, if you’re ever in Columbus look us up. And hey, maybe we’ll be back this way again sometime.” She returns the smile as she hands it back over, their hands brushing briefly as he reaches for it.

He glances down for a beat, before leaning in again. “So you guys sticking around for a bit or…?”

She unconsciously leans back, trying to recapture her personal space. “Yeah, we’re gonna check out some other bands, see the festival. This is our first time here.” The polite smile is back. _This guy bought your CD, he likes your music, be nice._

“Cool, we should meet up later, can I get your number?”

Tyler gulps, that stupid self-sabotaging blush creeping over her cheeks again. “Um, actually I’m just gonna stick with these guys. But thanks.”

“Oh come on, I’d be happy to show you around. Buy you a drink.”

“Actually I don’t—“ She’s backing up again, about to explain how drinking has never really been her thing, before Jos is suddenly leaning in between them.

“Hey, she said no dude. We appreciate the support but we’re good here. Thanks.”

The guy looks like he’s about to say something, but stops. Tyler hears the shuffling of feet followed by the crinkle of grass, and realizes Michael must have stepped behind her. Now aware of it, she can almost feel his presence at her back, and she feels her shoulders drop with relief. The guy holds his hands up and backs away, a smile on his face that seems neither as happy nor calm as he wants to appear. Tyler lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and gives Michael a small smile over her shoulder.

“I’ll be right back.” She puts her hand on Jos’ arm briefly, as she crosses behind her, and even the small touch helps slow down her heart beat.

Behind the stage she grabs a water bottle from the cooler set up by the festival for participants. She tries not to swallow the whole thing in one gulp, taking slow deep breaths in between. After a few minutes she’s feeling calmer, and by the time Jos comes around the corner to join her she almost feels normal. Tyler gives the older girl a smile, but she can see that there’s still worry in her deep brown eyes. She puts a hand on Tyler’s shoulder, rubbing and squeezing softly.

“Hey, you okay?”

Tyler nods as she takes another gulp of water. “Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks.”

Jos gives her a sympathetic smile, but doesn’t let go of her shoulder. Tyler doesn’t mind, she can almost make out the smell of coconut, and she welcomes the older girl’s perpetually warmer skin against her own, despite the heat of July in Kentucky. Now that her adrenaline is starting to wind down she’s filled with that familiar anger. Why didn’t she say something? Why didn’t she do something? Why’d she just stand there like a wilting flower and let herself get blown over?

Jos notices the hardening of her eyes. “What is it?”

“Just… what’s my problem dude? Why didn’t I say anything? I have no problem telling Chris off when he leaves his dishes everywhere, or Mark when he’s getting a little too in my face with the camera, but one dude hits on me and suddenly I can’t remember how to talk? I’ve dealt with assholes before, even drunk ones at parties, but I still—“ She stops, too frustrated to continue, and lets out a sigh. “I still had be rescued. Like a fucking damsel in distress.”

“Hey, you are not a damsel in distress okay? You are a bad-ass, whose music literally yells in the face of God and dares people to do something. You didn’t need rescuing, you just needed some help. We all need help dealing with assholes once and a while.” Jos is smiling at her, but she’s not ready to blow it off yet.

“I should have just told him to leave me alone. But I kept thinking about my mom telling me to be polite, and the fact that he bought our CD like I owed him something and… and why can’t I ever just say how I’m feeling? Why is it so hard to just say it?” Her voice is rising and she knows it’s not really about the creep, it’s about everything else that she’s been politely skimming over the last few weeks, the brunt of which is standing right in front of her.

Jos drops her hand from Tyler’s shoulder with a look on her face that’s a mix of sadness, understanding, and maybe her own frustration. “If it was easy we’d all just say how we felt all the time.”

The other girl won’t look at her and suddenly it’s all Tyler can do not to press her on it, this one simple statement that says so much. Why won’t she tell her how she feels? Why won’t she talk about what happened that night? Even with her decision to let it go it’s all Tyler can think about. Every time Jos’ hand accidentally brushes hers while they’re walking side-by-side, or when she puts her head on Tyler’s knee while they’re playing Nintendo, like it’s the only place it belongs. All those sparks of contact starting a fire in Tyler’s belly that she tries so hard to stamp out, except in the quiet darkness of the night when she lets it consume her completely.

“Jos?” Her voice is soft, and the other girl finally meets her eyes. She thinks she sees fear there briefly, but it’s gone so quickly she can’t be sure. Jos gives her a small smile, and reaches out to give her arm a quick squeeze.

“Just don’t let them get you down T. We put on a great show, and I love doing this with you.” Her hand drops and she turns to head back out in front of the stage. “Come back out when you’re ready.”

Tyler watches as she walks away, the familiar taste of disappointment like bile in her throat.

* * *

By the end of the day they’re exhausted, and this time Tyler can’t stop herself from audibly groaning when they return to their campsite and remember they have yet to set it up. Wordlessly they all grab something, no one willing to be the traitor that mentions that they should have done this earlier. Mark pulls out his camera briefly to capture them setting up by phone flashlight, but after Tyler almost trips over her own feet in the dark she snaps at him to shut the damn thing off. It doesn’t matter that she apologizes immediately afterwards, she still feels awful about it, and adds it to the “con” column for the day, below the creep and her stunted conversation with Jos.

Unsurprisingly they decide to split up with the guys in one tent and the girls in the other. The heat feels heavy in the darkness, and Tyler can’t understand how it can still be so hot when the sun’s on the other side of the world. She and Jos change with their backs to each other, trying to give the other some semblance of privacy. When she turns back around to find Jos in nothing but a sports bra and some boxers she stares enviously, her t-shirt already sticking to her back with sweat. They forgo climbing into the sleeping bags, laying on top instead, and imagining there’s some sort of breeze drifting across their legs.

Tyler stares up into the darkness, wanting to sleep but finding herself unable to do so. The tent is small, and Jos is so close she swears she can feel the entire length of her body next to her, despite the precious inch or two of space they keep between them. She could reach out so easily and touch her, pull her close against her despite the heat. Even when they fall asleep on the couch at Tyler’s they’re always on opposite sides, never this close, and Tyler feels Jos’ presence like fire running across her skin.

“Jos?” Her whisper feels like a shout.

“Mmm?” The hum is low, and Tyler knows the other girl is just on this side of awake, sleep pulling at her.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” The words are muffled, pressed into a pillow, but Tyler still hears them.

“Saving me today. You—“ She pauses, not sure if she should continue, but the darkness makes her bold. “You make me feel safe.”

Tyler hears Jos stir, knows she must have rolled over to face her, and turns her head to meet her. She can’t quite see the other girl in the dark, but feels the whisper of her breath between them. “I do?”

“Yeah.” She’s still whispering, her words only for Jos. “On stage, when we’re hanging out, just, everywhere. Anytime you’re with me I feel like things can’t be as bad as I think they are.”

Tyler can’t be sure, but she thinks the other girl has leaned forward, shrinking the gap between them. “You make me feel like that too. Like, the scary stuff’s not so scary.”

“Yeah.” She breaths the word between them, and inhales the scent of coconut. Jos is even closer now, and this time Tyler can’t stop herself. She reaches out slowly, until her fingers find warm, soft curls, and wraps her hand up in them lightly. A hand finds her outstretched arm in the darkness, and Tyler leans forward until her forehead is just barely touching Jos’. It’s quiet, and Tyler can hear as Jos’ breaths slow into a regular rhythm until she’s almost sure the other girl is asleep. When the words come unbidden in the inky black around them she almost misses them.

“I love you Tyler.”

Her eyes go wide as she searches for Jos’ in the low light, coming to the realization that the other girl has already slipped off to sleep. It’s the kind of confession Jos probably didn’t even know she was making, whispered sleep-heavy words to a friend no longer listening. But Tyler _is_ listening, and the words settle around her shoulders like a weight.

* * *

The rest of the weekend is a blur.

Tyler holds those whispered words close to her chest and mentions them to no one. There’s a part of her that wonders if she heard them wrong, or if she’s inferring the wrong thing. She’d said herself that she loved Jos as a friend (whether or not she’d actually ever said those words out loud), so it was entirely possible Jos had meant the same thing. But why would she have said it like that, late at night when Tyler might not hear her? She could have said it that afternoon, behind the stage, or any other time they’d spent hours in each other’s company. Instead she’d saved it for that moment between sleep and awake, when nothing really feels real.

It sends her head spinning again.

Somehow she manages to stay focused on their performances, makes jokes with the boys, and even appears mostly normal every time she and Jos come into contact. No one else hits on her during the festival, but she does find herself slightly tongue tied when a cute girl asks her about Isle of Flightless Birds. She can’t tell if it’s because the girl has the bluest eyes she’s ever seen, or because her head is already a mess. The “being attracted to girls” thing is still too new for her to be sure.

After their set on the last day Tyler is regretting her decision not to camp another night. It’s midnight by the time everything is loaded into the cars, and the almost four hour drive home sounds endless. Mark, in all his infinite generosity, volunteers to drive, and Tyler dutifully takes the passenger seat. With hardly any convincing (a fact she’ll give her a hard time about later) Jos climbs into the back and passes out on the mattress, asleep before they’re even off the festival grounds. Tyler can’t help glancing back her every time a loud snore reaches them in the front, and the third time she turns back around Mark catches her eye with a laugh.

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that she’s the loudest _sleeper_ too.” Tyler laughs at his words and nods.

“The girl likes to make a racket.”

Mark glances in the rearview mirror over the other girl fondly. “That she does. It’s one of the things I love about her.”

“Me too.” Tyler smiles, her eyes directed back out the windshield.

There’s quiet for a few minutes, and she can just barely see Mark glancing at her out of the corner of her eye. “What dude?”

She turns to face him and Mark has the decency to blush, his eyes whipping back to the road. “Nothing.”

“No, seriously, what is it?”

“I just—“ He takes a breath and this time the words are slower. “Don’t be mad but, I just see the way you look at her and…”

Tyler realizes she’s holding her breath, knowing what’s coming before Mark works up the courage to ask her directly. “You like her don’t you?”

She can’t look at him, her eyes glued to the road. Fear runs through her, with the realization that her whole life could come crashing down with this one, casual question. She’s told no one, tried so hard to keep it a secret. Even Sunday dinners spent laughing around the table with her family, surrounded by so much love she can’t breathe sometimes, can’t convince her that it’s worth the risk to share this part of herself with anyone. She doesn’t want to think so little of her friends too, that she’d be met with disgust or rejection, but she’s not willing to test it.

Mark takes a hand off the wheel and places it over her own, clenched so tightly in her lap that her knuckles have turned white. “Because that would be okay, you know.”

Tyler tears her eyes away so that she can look at him. His eyes glance over at her from the road, and the breath she was holding releases in a _whoosh_. There’s no judgment, no hatred there, just the same kindness she’s seen since that very first day in the dingy green room. She feels tears immediately springing to her eyes, a soft sob stuck in the back of her throat, and she can’t reply. Instead she just nods slowly, almost imperceptibly, and Mark gives her hands a soft squeeze.

“I thought so.” He turns to glance at her again, flashing her a small smile. “If it helps, I’m pretty sure she likes you too.”

Tyler doesn’t say anything, just smiles with watery eyes and adjusts her hands until she can give Mark a responding squeeze. They don’t say anything for a few moments, and Tyler quietly collects herself. Mark doesn’t let go of her hand, even when she raises the other to swipe at the tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. When she’s ready she takes another deep breath and lets it out slowly, before giving the boy another soft smile.

“Why don’t you go get some sleep, I’m good up here.” Mark gives her hand one last squeeze before returning it to the wheel.

“Are you sure?” Tyler’s voice is quiet, but solid.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

It’s all the prompting Tyler needs to slowly unbuckle her seatbelt and clamber over the seats into the back. Jos stirs as she lowers herself on to the mattress, and Tyler whispers to her softly. “Shh Jos, it’s just me.”

“Ty?” Jos’ voice is heavy with sleep, her eyes barely cracking open before falling closed again.

“Yeah, go back to sleep.”

She rolls back over, her back to the younger girl, and Tyler curls up behind her. As soon as her head hits the pillow a hand reaches out from the darkness, pulling her arm across the other girl, until they’re pressed tightly up against each other. Tyler’s nose ends up buried in Jos’ curls, and she can’t help smiling to herself. Jos is clutching Tyler’s hand to her chest, and Tyler gives it a squeeze before settling in until she’s comfortable. The other girl lets out a soft sigh, and Tyler’s eyes slip closed, a small smile still on her lips.

“Night Jos.”

* * *

Tyler knows without having to ask that Mark won’t tell anyone about their conversation. It’s a relief, to have even one person know what’s really going on in her head, and Tyler tries not to take advantage of it as much as she can. Still, she finds herself spending more and more time with him, finalizing things for the new album, discussing pop culture, and just generally enjoying being her most authentic self. To his credit Mark doesn’t seem to push it, rarely asking her questions she’s not yet ready to answer. But she can’t fault him when once in a while his curiosity gets the better of him.

“Did you always know?”

He doesn’t have to specify, Tyler knows exactly what he means, even if his eyes are focused on the album artwork on the computer in front of him, and not meeting her own. She shakes her head, though he probably doesn’t see it, and answers from over his shoulder. “No. I kind of, figured it out recently.”

“What do you mean?” He still hasn’t looked up from the computer, and Tyler likes the anonymity their lack of eye contact gives her.

“Well, I guess I’ve been feeling attracted to girls for a while, but I didn’t know that’s what it was? Like, looking back I can kind of discern when I had crushes on girls, but at the time I had no idea.”

“Huh. Can’t relate.” He glances over his shoulder, a cheeky grin on his face, and she laughs.

“Yeah. It’d be kind of like if you compared yourself to every guy that you met, and then realized it wasn’t just that you wanted to _be_ them, but you wanted to be _with_ them. Does that make sense?”

He lifts his head from the computer, staring up at the ceiling in thought for a minute before answering. “Yeah, I think I get that. Sounds like that took a lot of self-reflection.”

“You have no idea.”

Mark gives her a sympathetic smile over his shoulder, before motioning her over to the computer. “Okay, what do you think?”

The album cover is simple, a stock photo they found of a kid’s tee-ball game and their name across the top, but Tyler likes it. It’s not as personal as the image that covered their first album but Tyler thinks that might be a good thing. Their newer songs are still personal, but more accessible to more people, with something for everyone to identify with. Or at least, that’s what she hopes.

“Looks good man.” She lets out a sigh. “Wow, our sophomore album. Kinda crazy right?”

Mark grins up at her. “Speaking personally as a fan, I think it’s about damn time. I’m tired of only catching my favorite songs at concerts.”

Tyler elbows him softly, a smile on her face, and leans down to rest her hands on the desk. “Do you think people will like it?”

He watches her for a moment, seeming to consider her face, before speaking. Tyler can’t keep the worry and doubt out of her eyes, and she knows that he sees it. It’s easier to be vulnerable like this, with Mark. There’s a part of her that feels like she always has to be the strong one when it’s her and Jos, despite the fact that she’s the one who’s definitely broken down the most. If she doesn’t believe in them, if she’s not their biggest supporter, then how can they expect anyone else to believe in them? But Mark knows how hard it is, putting something personal out into the world, and he knows the doubt that comes along with it.

“I think people will love it Ty. You watch, someday this is going to be one of the most sought out albums in the world.”

She laughs and bumps her shoulder against his softly. “Thanks dude.”

“Alright, last chance for final thoughts and then I’m sending it to the manufacturer.”

Tyler lets herself linger on the image for only a few seconds, before she turns to smile at him. “Send it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was worth the wait, sorry it's my shortest chapter yet. You're all lovely and I'm already working on the next chapter. 😏


	4. Chapter 4

Despite all the planning and hard work that’s gone in to it, it feels like the release of Regional At Best manages to sneak up on her. Tyler’s thought about nothing else the last month (okay, maybe one other thing) to the point where her sleep is filled with nightmares about everything that can go wrong. One night the CDs don’t show up. The next she’s on stage, naked of course, and can’t remember a single word of the set list. But the worst is the night she’s struggling to sing and finds herself alone on stage, with Jos nowhere to be seen.

Tyler knows she’s wearing a track into the carpet of Jos’ living room but she can’t seem to stop herself. Jos and Mark are both on the couch, going over details as they pass Mark’s laptop between them. Tyler is half listening and half going through the checklist she has in her head, throwing out questions as they come to her. They’re both being incredibly patient with her, and while Tyler feels bad, she just doesn’t know another way to be. All her anxiety feels like it’s sitting in her throat, cutting off her words and filling her mind with doubt.

“You checked the tracking on the CDs?” Her voice sounds high, strangled, even to her.

“Yes, they’ll be here in two days. We’ve got an extra buffer of four days just in case.” Mark doesn’t even look up from her computer, turning to Jos immediately after he’s finished speaking.

“And the speakers?”

“I just double checked with the rental company, they assured me they have everything we need and they’ll be ready by 9:00 am that morning.” Jos’ tone is level and Tyler wonders how she’s so calm.

She nods and continues to pace. “What about the weather?”

“Still too far out to say for sure, but the rest of the week prior looks good.” Mark glances at her, before giving Jos a look. “I’m gonna head home, I wanna do one more inventory count and see if there’s anything else we need for merch.”

Tyler doesn’t say anything, just nods again, her feet still moving. Mark closes the laptop and gathers his things, pausing to put his hand on her shoulder, pulling her to a stop momentarily. “It’s gonna be great T, try not to worry so much.”

She rolls her eyes and shoots him a long-suffering smile that he returns. As soon as he’s out the door the pacing begins again in earnest. Jos watches her for a few minutes, her eyes following her back and forth across the living room. Tyler guesses that she’s waiting for her to say something, either some other question or some words of encouragement. Her throat feels thick again, and she’s not sure she could manage either. Her head is especially loud today, a result of all the sleepless nights and how many things she’s juggling, unknown to her best friend. Finally Jos seems fed up with it.

“Ty, stop. Come sit down.” She motions to the floor in front of her feet, instead of on the couch next to her, and despite her confusion Tyler obeys.

Jos pulls her feet up underneath her before Tyler takes a seat, nestling her shoulders between the other girl’s knees. She doesn’t say anything, just quietly reaches for Tyler’s hair, pulling it over her shoulders until it all falls down her back in one, long sheet. Tyler feels her slowly run her fingers through, untangling knots when she finds them, until they slide through unencumbered. Her eyes slip closed, focused on the slight tugs against her scalp, and the electricity that goes through her every time Jos’ fingers brush against her head or shoulders.

“My mom always used to braid my hair, whenever I was having a bad day. I’d come home from school and she’d sit with me just like this, between her knees, and braid and unbraid my hair until I felt like I could take a deep breath. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we listened to music, and sometimes it was just us, sitting quietly in the living room.” Jos’ voice is barely a whisper, and it sends a shiver down her spine.

They settle back in to silence, and Tyler keeps her eyes closed, feeling as Jos separates her hair into sections and begins slowing weaving them over each other. Each movement is careful and intentional; Jos never pulls or moves faster than she needs to. Tyler loses track of time, feeling her hands moving through her hair, her breaths syncing up with the other girl’s. At the end of the first plait Jos slowly undoes it all, before beginning again. After a few minutes she starts to hum quietly, and it takes Tyler a few bars to realize it’s “God Only Knows.”

She takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly as her shoulders sag. Jos’ hands come to the end of the braid and slow, releasing her hair so that it can rest against her back. Tyler feels the weight of it settle against her spine, and lets out another deep breath. After a pause Jos’ hands are back, slowly undoing the braid until her hair is once again sweeping down her back. She runs her hands over Tyler’s scalp and down the length of her hair, and Tyler unconsciously lets out another long breath as she does it.

Jos removes her hands and finally speaks. “Better?”

Tyler opens her eyes, nodding slowly. “Better.”

She turns to face the other girl, smiling, and finds Jos doing the same. They’re so close, and Tyler can feel the warmth of Jos’ knees leeching into her shoulders. Suddenly she can hear that small voice in the darkness.  _I love you Tyler._  She wants to know what it meant, wants to know if Jos’ head feels as heavy as her own. There are so many things she wants to ask but she’s too scared. Too scared to lose what she already has, in pursuit of what she wants. She leans back out of the other girl’s knees, until she can spin and face her fully.

“I’m being too crazy about this aren’t I?”

Jos shakes her head. “You are absolutely not. We both know how important this is, and  _I_  know how you like everything to be perfect. It’s admirable T, not annoying.”

Tyler smiles, realizing once more just how lucky she is, to have a friend know exactly what she needs to hear. “Thanks babe.”

Jos grins, leaning forward until she can put her hands on Tyler’s shoulders. “It’s gonna be awesome Ty, everyone is going to be blown away.”

Tyler can’t help but laugh, the last vestiges of her anxiety finally dissipating, her shoulders relaxing under the other girl’s touch. “I sure hope so.”

\- - -

Tyler wakes on the hot and humid morning of the release in a panic. She can’t remember exactly what the dream was about, but can feel her heart hammering away in her chest. After a few deep breaths it starts to slow and Tyler lifts her head from her hands, where she’s been rubbing slowly at her temples. The house is still quiet, which isn’t surprising. She’s usually the first one up anyway, even when it’s not the biggest day of her music career so far. Her perpetual exhaustion has settled into her bones at this point, and Tyler feels it with every creak and crack as she gets up from bed.

Making coffee is on autopilot by now, and Tyler grimaces at the first sip, despite her gratitude for the drink. The first taste of black coffee is always the worst, no matter how long she’s been trying to get used to it. She drinks it standing in the kitchen, trying not to let her mind run too far away from her. Jos has been good about keeping her grounded this week, and it’s worked, for the most part. Her throat doesn’t feel as constricted as it did a week ago, but her anxiety is still coiled in her stomach like a snake, just waiting to strike.

She wanders over to the TV, flicking it on and turning the volume down to barely a whisper. A few news items cycle through before the weatherman is introduced, and Tyler puts the volume up a couple notches. Her heart drops into her stomach at the words “chance of rain” and doesn’t return, even once the TV is off, and Tyler’s sitting on the couch staring into nothing, her coffee forgotten. The knock at her door is quiet, barely audible, but in the vast emptiness of the house it’s unmistakable. Tyler’s not surprised to find Mark waiting on the other side.

“You’ve seen the report on the weather?” Tyler nods wordlessly and steps aside so Mark can enter the house. “Anyone else up yet?”

Tyler shakes her head, and Mark’s voice stays quiet. “It’s gonna be okay T. Either it’s going to rain, or it’s not, nothing we can do about it.”

Tyler nods again and sips at her coffee. From somewhere behind her she hears Mark opening his bag, pulling things out and fiddling with them quietly. When she turns around he lifts the camera wordlessly, raising an eyebrow. Tyler knows what he wants and shrugs silently, before placing her coffee on the table in front of the TV and exiting out the front door. Once it’s closed behind her she’s not afraid to speak at a normal volume. It’s all a blur, nothing particularly ground breaking or memorable, but it seems to be what Mark’s looking for.

They’re both still outside when Jos’ pickup pulls up in front of the house. “You two out here freaking out?”

Tyler attempts something close to a smile and Mark manages a chuckle. Jos grimaces as she closes the car door behind her. “Jeez, I’ll take that as a yes.”

She crosses the front yard until she’s standing next to Tyler on the front stoop, giving her a once over. “Mark, can you give us a second?”

Mark nods and slips wordlessly past them back into the house. Jos’ hand comes to rest on her shoulder, and Tyler realizes she’s been calling her name quietly. She turns her head until their eyes meet. “Ty? Where’s your head?”

She shrugs again, and Jos continues. “It’s gonna be okay. We’ve done everything we can to prepare, we have a small army helping us out today, and it’s going to be okay. If it rains, it rains, y’know? No one’s gonna melt. Except maybe the cotton candy.”

Jos smiles and Tyler tries to laugh. “What if we have to cancel?”

Her voice is small and Jos gives her shoulder a squeeze. “Let me worry about ‘what ifs,’ you think about how everything is going to go perfectly today. Okay?”

She nods again, and Jos turns her toward the house. “Now go put some shoes on, you can come with me to the costume shop.”

Before long they’re in the pickup truck, ambling through Columbus. They both have their windows down (with the truck devoid of air conditioning it’s the only way they get a cool breeze across their faces), and Tyler tries to take long, deep breaths. The store is just opening when they arrive, and they both separate down the aisles to look through everything. It had been Tyler’s idea first—using masks to both hide their identity and force people to focus on the music. She can’t deny that it’s slightly selfish, giving her another layer of protection on stage, but Jos finds it just as interesting. It’s the older girl’s idea to take it one step further.

She pauses to run her fingers over a sweatshirt with skeleton bones on it. The material is thin and silky under her hand, the bones extending from the rib cage down the arms. It’s the zipper that makes the decision for her, turning the open hood into skull with mesh-covered holes for the eyes. Tyler grabs one in each of their sizes. Everything else feels too flashy and comedic, until she comes upon the balaclavas. They have them in almost every color, even the neon most hunters in the area wear. She grabs them each a white and black, plus one blue and one red.

When she joins Jos at the register she can’t help but laugh. Underneath a green alien mask, similar to the hoods on the skeleton sweatshirts, is a complete gorilla suit. Jos flashes her a grin, offering no explanation, and it makes her laugh all the harder. By the time they’re leaving the store and crossing the parking lot to the pickup, she’s starting to feel more normal. Her head still feels loud, but it’s easier to tune it out every time she looks over at her best friend, who seems to vibrate with anticipation. At least one of them is focusing on the excitement of today.

Jos is right; they seem to have a small army at their disposal when they get to the venue. It’s weird directing people what to do, instead of physically doing it herself. She’s so used to their little operation at this point, that she has to stop herself from shooing everyone away from things and taking them over herself. It’s not exactly the most calming thing for her, giving over control, but she knows it needs to be done from time to time. She climbs up on the speakers just to see if she can, and lets out a long-held breath when she can look out over the whole venue. Jos shades her eyes with a hand and smiles up at her, affection clear across her face. Tyler blushes before scrambling back down.

As the stage solidifies so do the vendors around them, and before long Tyler can smell the sticky sweet scent of caramel corn and cotton candy. It reminds her of summer carnivals with her siblings, running around in the Ohio heat, pushing each other out from underneath the misting fans outside the booths. Suddenly she wants a corndog so bad she can taste it, and it makes her laugh. Her head might be on board, but her stomach definitely is not.

Somehow the weather holds out, and Tyler sends up a quick word of thanks, even though she’s sure God isn’t worried about things as tiny as their album release show. She and Jos sequester themselves in one of the school buildings to get ready, and Tyler tries to focus on the quiet before the storm. All too quickly it’s time for them to head out, and Jos stops her at the door with a hand wrapped around her own. Tyler glances down at it, lost in her own thoughts, before meeting the other girl’s eyes.

“Hey, we got this.” She smiles softly. “I’m so proud of you Ty, this album is incredible.”

Tyler smiles warmly back at her, before giving her hand a squeeze. “I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone but you.”

Jos looks like she might cry for a split second, before she takes a deep breath and gives Tyler’s hand a returning squeeze. “Let’s go be rock stars.”

With a laugh on their lips they leave to face the crowd.

\- - -

For all its build up the release show is over shockingly quickly, and Tyler tries to soak up every moment of the following few hours. She loses count of the familiar faces that come up to her, offering congratulations and compliments, remarking they had no idea she had it in her. Those comments are her favorite; there’s nothing she loves more than surprising someone. At the end of the day they dutifully pack everything up, and Tyler watches as all her hard work for the last few months drives away. It’s a relief to no longer have it hanging over her, knowing she can focus on what she really wants to do: tour. The idea of playing in front of people who don’t know them, who’s attention they’ll have to win, is exhilarating.

The house falls into quiet early that night. Chris and Nicky both know she’s leaving the next morning for tour, and give her the best shot at sleep that they can. Regardless, Tyler spends most of the night staring up at her ceiling, going over the tour in her head, thinking about all the uninterrupted time she’s about to spend with some of her favorite people, for better or worse. It feels like the first big step of something real for all of them, and she gives it the respect it deserves. By morning there’s one thought that she just can’t seem to get out of her head, and at nine o’clock exactly she’s knocking on Jos’ front door.

“I wanna get a tattoo.” She says, by way of greeting.

Jos’ words are slow, confusion on her face. “Okay. Like right now?”

“Yeah. Wanna come with me?”

She shrugs, a smile breaking out over her face. “Sure.”

Jos uses her phone to direct her to the tattoo shop Tyler had googled upon awakening. Unsurprisingly, the place is empty, and a guy in his mid-thirties meets them behind the counter with bigger gauges than Jos’. Tyler explains her idea for her tattoo, watching the artist’s face as she does. She can tell he’s slightly confused by the request, and not exactly thrilled at the idea, but seems polite enough about it.

“Three lines, that’s it?”

Tyler nods, holding out her wrist and flipping it over. “But the top and bottom lines I want to be open, and a dot in between the beginning and the end of the line. Does that make sense?”

“Sure.” He pulls a sharpie from his pocket, tracing it slowly around her wrist three times, before placing dots on the underside, just below her palm. “Like that?”

“Perfect.” Tyler smiles at him appreciatively, and she can tell she’s slowly wearing him down.

“Okay, give me a second to set up and we’ll get started.”

She and Jos wander around the shop, looking at all the art plastering the walls, before Jos reaches for her arm, carefully turning it over and back looking at the lines. “What’s it mean?”

“It’s just a reminder.” She smiles at the other girl, but decides against specifics. “I wanted it before we left, so I could take it with me. Something to keep me tied to this town, to home, while we’re out exploring the world.”

Jos returns the smile and lets her hand drop. “I can’t believe we’re going on tour, dude. Like a real, actual tour. How cool are we?”

Tyler laughed. “The coolest.”

The artist appears back in the front and leads them to his station. Tyler settles onto the chair, pulling her feet up under her to sit cross-legged, before extending her arm down the rest. The sharpie is wiped clear, and the stencil is carefully fitted around her wrist. She gives it the once over once it’s on, and smiles at him warmly declaring it “perfect.” There’s a moment, right when the gun starts up and before the needle hits her skin, that she wonders if she’s making a mistake, but it’s fleeting. The pain is less than fun however, and Tyler reaches out blindly for Jos’ hand, not wanting to take her eyes off the black lines slowly snaking their way around her wrist.

The artist glances up at them but says nothing, and Tyler wonders how many girls he gets in here daily, clutching their best friends at the pain. She tries not to grimace or change her expression at all, determined to appear the badass she so desperately wants to be. Tyler can see Jos smiling at her out of the corner of her eye, the other girl as focused on her wrist as she is. Slowly the design appears, and Tyler finds herself feeling like it’s being brought to the surface, rather placed under her skin. When he’s finished it looks like it’s always been there, nestled between the slight bones of her wrist. She loves it instantly.

“Thank you.” She gives the artist another earnest smile, and this one he returns. She rises from the chair to look it over in the mirror, flipping her wrist back and forth, admiring how the lines flow with her.

“Happy to help. Now let’s go get you girls squared away.”

As Tyler pulls her wallet from her pocket she notes just how appropriate his words are. Having the lines along her wrist  _does_  help, and already she wants to pull the bandage off so she can see them again. Back in the car Jos keeps glancing over at Tyler’s wrist, her hand loosely grasping the steering wheel. Tyler looks over at her and smiles, which Jos seems to take as a cue. Slowly and gingerly she reaches for Tyler wrist, until she can flip it over and back again above the seat between them. She looks back up at the younger girl, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“This is very cool T.”

Tyler can’t help the laugh that bursts forth. “Glad I have your approval. Think you can convince my mom how cool it is?”

Jos hisses before replying. “Yeah, good luck with that.”

They both laugh and Jos goes back to looking at her bandaged wrist as Tyler speaks. “You should get one.”

She glances up at the younger girl, surprised, before considering her reply. “I probably will. At some point. But maybe a bit bigger. And brighter.”

Tyler laughs at her smile. “Not hard to do. Besides, if anyone should have a big, colorful tattoo it’s you babe.”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely. You  _are_  big, bright, and colorful.”

Jos smiles at the praise, a blush breaking out over her cheeks, and finally releases Tyler’s hand. She returns it to the wheel, replacing her right so she can rest it on her leg. They don’t speak the rest of the way home, both of their heads bobbing along to the music on the radio. Tyler enjoys the easy silence between the two of them, already imagining the unfamiliar landscapes flashing by outside their windows. The world feels open to them, the road endless, and Tyler can’t wait to see where it takes them.

\- - -

Their first stop is Chicago, a city none of them have ever been to, but Tyler likes immediately. Unfortunately the heat is no less intense than in Ohio, and not even the river winding through the city seems to help (although even just looking at it inexplicably makes Tyler feel a few degrees cooler). Before their show they have an interview with a local radio station, and this time it’s Tyler’s turn to talk down Jos. The older girl is visibly uncomfortable, from start to finish, though she manages a few jokes and some truly great answers. Tyler reaches for her hand under the desk about half way through the interview, and doesn’t let go until it’s over.

The venue is nothing exciting, just another club in another part of the city. The green room feels eerily familiar, however, and Tyler muses over the idea that maybe they’re all just generically bland enough to feel the same. The crowd is sparse at first, but they make up for it in enthusiasm. Tyler watches the waves of energy ripple out over them as they jump and bob along to the beat, and tries not to get swept away with them. By the end of the show she has the biggest smile on her face, and it’s not hard to come up with words of thanks for them during Trees. All things considered, Tyler thinks it’s a pretty perfect show.

“What’s with the masks?” The words are a surprise, when she’s already in the middle of a conversation with someone, but looking him over she surmises that they shouldn’t be. The guy is clearly holding what isn’t his first beer of the night, and his eyes look slightly out of focus.

“Just something different. Get people’s attention and help them focus on the music.” Tyler tries to chop down her answer into digestible bites, even for him, and hopes it’ll be an answer he accepts.

“It’s fucking weird, dude.”

Tyler forces herself to smile. “That’s kind of the point.”

“And you guys are so…” He waves his hand, trying to find the word, and Tyler’s not sure he could come up with anything that she’d actually like. “Harsh, on stage. You should smile more. People like girls who smile.”

The aforementioned polite smile slides off her face at his words. “We’re not here for you to like us, we’re here to make you think.”

“Something you clearly don’t do often.” Jos’ words are muttered under her breath, only for Tyler to hear, but somehow he does.

“What’d you just say?”

“Nothing man, take a step back.” Michael is suddenly there, holding out a hand in front of the guy, just inches from his chest.

“Fucking bitch. You just lost yourselves a fan.” He sticks a finger out at them, like a parent reprimanding a petulant child, and Tyler can’t help herself.

“Oh darn.” She sticks out her lip, pouting, and hears Jos snort next to her.

“Seriously Ty?” Michael huffs, before the guy goes ballistic, yelling at them and gesturing with his beer. Tyler tunes him out easily, knowing Michael and the club’s security can handle him, and within minutes he’s being escorted to the door. She gives Michael an apologetic smile as he walks back toward the table, all the eyes around it still following the guy out of the club.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help it.”

He shakes his head, a laugh clear on his lips. “Just give me some warning next time.”

Tyler nods and turns to look at Jos, who’s smiling at her appreciatively. She has a strong urge to high five the other girl but ignores it, turning back to the rest of the people gathered around the table. One of them, a girl who looks a few years younger than them, has wide eyes that keep darting back toward the door, like the guy’s going to reappear at any second. Tyler recognizes the fear there, and gives her a warm smile the first time she catches her eyes. The girl approaches her, her voice soft.

“Is it always like that?”

Tyler shakes her head. “No, most people are really nice. But unfortunately there’s drunk assholes in every state.”

The girl smiles and holds out her CD to be signed. “I thought you guys were really cool, and I liked the masks. The way you punctuated the music with the reveals. It’s powerful.”

Tyler smiles broadly at her. “Thank you. I really appreciate you saying that. Do you play any music?”

“Oh no, no.” The girl blushes, stutteringly slightly. “I mean, I think it’d be really cool but I’m not brave enough to stand on a stage in front of people and say stuff like that. It’s so personal.”

Tyler smiles at her fondly. “You’d be surprised. Find a friend you trust, or a couple of them even, and give it a try. It helps knowing someone’s got your back.”

Jos leans against her, softly bumping into her shoulder before leaning back, and Tyler gives her a quick smile. When she looks back the girl’s blush is still there, but the fear seems gone from her eyes. She’s looking at the two of them with something that resembles amazement, and this time it’s Tyler who blushes. The girl gives her a quiet good-bye before walking off, and Tyler watches until she’s out of the club. There’s something familiar about the way she holds herself a little higher, her shoulders set, and it makes Tyler’s smile widen.

At the end of the night they pile into the van, Dan taking his seat behind the wheel. She and Jos climb into the back for their turn on the mattress, the first shift of the night. Jos rolls over on to her side, curling her legs up against her chest, but Tyler lays on her back, arm wedged under her head and staring at the ceiling. She’s too energized to sleep, going over the show in her mind and making changes for the next venue. Jos rolls over to face her and cracks an eye open, noticing Tyler’s still awake. Her eyes fall shut again, but her voice isn’t sleepy when she speaks.

“That was really cool today, what you said to that girl.” Tyler turns to look at her, before rolling over fully on to her side so they’re facing each other.

“Thanks. I didn’t mess things up talking to that guy right?”

Jos smiles, her eyes still closed, and Tyler watches it crinkle the freckles across her nose. “No. Like you said, drunk assholes in every state. Everyone else got that.”

“Good.” She lets out a breath.

“And you’re right, we’re not doing this to make people like us, we’re doing this because we have something to say. Because we want people to think. Fuck ‘em if they don’t get us.”

Tyler can’t help but smile; Jos doesn’t curse often, but when she does it’s always perfectly timed. “Yeah, fuck ‘em.”

She watches Jos smile again, takes her time memorizing her face while she has the opportunity. She wants to reach out and trace the freckles across her cheeks, to brush the curls away from her brow. It’s almost physically painful to keep her hands underneath her head, resting on the pillow, but the weight helps keep her anchored. Tyler can’t remember the last time she’s wanted anything so strongly in her entire life. She’s always been good about listening to herself, about reaching out and taking what calls to her, even when it’s difficult. But this feels like something she can’t touch, no matter how close it is, and she hears that voice in the darkness again.

_ I love you Tyler. _

“Jos?” The other girl hums softly in answer, and Tyler knows it’s getting hard for her to stay awake. “Did you mean it? Did you mean what you said?”

“What?” She whispers back, and Tyler knows if she doesn’t ask now she’ll never ask again.

“That you loved me.”

“Of course I do.” The words are muffled, pressed into the pillow. “You’re my best friend, Ty.”

The last words feel like a knife in her stomach, and Tyler can’t help the tears that spring to her eyes. She should have known, she was being stupid, making more out of it than there was. Of course she didn’t love her  _like that_ , it was only Tyler who was stupid enough to fall in love with her best friend. Because she couldn’t deny it now, she couldn’t pretend it was the crush she claimed it was all that time ago. She loved Jos, she was  _in_  love with her, and Jos thought of her only as a friend. Tyler doesn’t realize she’s crying, until the pillow is damp underneath her cheek.

\- - -

On tour her life falls into a pattern: drive, set up the stage, play, break down the stage, curl up in the back of the van, and drive. Over and over again. Every couple days they spring for a hotel room, and sleeping in the same bed as Jos, curled up under the blankets, feels even more intimate than sharing the cramped quarters of the van. Most days she can stamp down how she’s feeling, focusing on the excitement of the road and their easy camaraderie instead. Tyler realizes how many great people she’s found herself surrounded by, and is thankful again and again that she kept going, even when it was hard.

There are a few drunk assholes at every venue, but for the most part people are welcoming. Tyler’s always amazed how generous music fans are, with their attention, and their enthusiasm, and their support. It doesn’t matter that she’s been on the other side of the equation, that she’s done the same for bands she knew nothing about, it still blows her away every time. The venues, however, are sometimes a different story. It’s clear which booking managers heard Mark’s voice on the phone, and assumed they were welcoming a band comprised of men. Tyler takes every slight sneer upon her introduction and files them away, pulling them out on stage to push herself even harder.

They get questions, about the way they play, or the way they look, after almost every performance, and Tyler finds herself giving the same answers. It’s exhausting, having to constantly explain herself, but she tries to remember that these people are strangers, that they don’t understand what they’re trying to do. And if she’s lucky, she’ll have a long career of using her music to show people exactly who she is. Jos seems more patient, more willing to smile and win people over, and Tyler starts to let her pipe up when the questions inevitably come. But sometimes, when she’s exhausted, or frustrated over a show that just didn’t go right, it’s hard to be as understanding.

She’s leaving the green room in Milwaukee when one of the bartenders stops her. “Hey, great show tonight.”

“Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. We’re playing for you guys too.” Tyler gives him a smile, exhaustion clear in her eyes, and hopes it’ll be the end of the conversation.

“Yeah, I wasn’t sure what to expect when you guys took the stage, but that definitely wasn’t it.” He’s laughing, but Tyler doesn’t get the joke.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh you know, you see a girl group on stage and assume they’re going to play songs about relationships or how tough society’s ‘expectations’ are, but you guys sing about real stuff. It’s cool.”

Tyler frowns. “Because heartbreak and the pressure to be good enough are things dudes _never_ sing about.”

He holds up his hands like he’s being attacked. “Hey, I’m just trying to pay you a compliment.”

“Yeah? Well try harder.”

“Jesus, what’s your problem? All I’m saying is you guys were interesting, despite all the weird shit on stage.”

“Cool, thanks. Appreciate the support.” Tyler hikes her bag up over her shoulder and pushes past him, but not before he can grab her forearm.

“Hey, you should be nicer to people. This isn’t the way to make fans.”

“Take your hand off me.” The guy’s staring at her but doesn’t let go.

“I’m just saying—“

“And I’m saying, take your hand off me.” Her heart is thundering away in her chest, and Tyler feels like she can’t take a full breath, but it’s easy to put every ounce of venom into her voice.

The hand drops and he takes a step back. “Jesus, whatever. Bitch.”

She doesn’t wait around to see what happens next, just beelines for the back exit of the club as fast she as dares to go. Never running, because running would be a sign that she was scared, but going as quickly as her body can handle. Her heart’s still hammering away in her chest, and she’s so wrapped up in her own head that when she pushes through the back door she doesn’t realize there’s someone on the other side, and runs smack into them. At first she’s apologizing, but as hands start to close around her arms she gets frantic, trying to rip herself away. Jos’ voice suddenly cuts through the panic.

“Hey, woah, Ty. Tyler, it’s me.”

Tyler finally makes eye contact with the other girl, and as soon as she sees it’s really her, throws her arms around her, burying her face in Jos’s neck. Jos stumbles a bit at the weight, but regains her footing, clutching at the younger girl. Tyler can feel herself shaking, and Jos pulls her closer, whispering soothing words and rubbing a hand up and down her back. She can’t cry, there’s too much running through her head to cry, and instead she takes long, shuddering breaths. Jos doesn’t ask, just holds her as she composes herself, and Tyler waits for the familiar scent of coconut to help slow her heart rate. After a while she’s breathing normally, but doesn’t remove her face from Jos’ curls.

“Hey, what happened? Talk to me.” Tyler shakes her head wordlessly. “Okay, okay. We’ll just stand here for a bit.”

Jos keeps her arms around the younger girl, and Tyler tries not to physically sink into them. She’s so tired. So tired of fighting how she feels, going over every word and every though in excruciating detail until it feels like she’s going crazy. Tired of having to justify who she is, to explain what helps quiet her mind and give her purpose. Every time she steps on stage she gives a little of herself away, and sometimes it feels like one day she’ll step off and there’ll be nothing left. Just this shell going through the motions, nothing tethering her to the world. And she’s so tired.

“Ty, what happened?” Jos’s voice is quiet.

“It doesn’t matter.” She shakes her head into Jos’ shoulder. “It’s just a moment, it doesn’t matter.”

“It _clearly_  matters to you Ty, what happened?”

“It doesn’t matter!” Suddenly she’s yelling, and she doesn’t really know why, as she pushes away from the other girl. “It’s just a moment! Life’s full of them. Sometimes they’re shitty, sometimes they’re  _everything_ , and sometimes it just doesn’t fucking matter. Life just keeps going and you have to keep up. And it doesn’t matter how tired you are, or how much is pulling on you, you just have to keep going. And I’m tired Jos, I’m so fucking tired.”

“Tyler.” There’s shock and confusion clear across Jos’ face but she can’t stop. She’s on a roll now.

“I’m so tired of pretending like everything is okay, like I don’t wake up every morning disappointed. I’m trying so hard to do what I love, to make this real, and it still feels hollow. Every time it feels hollow. And I’m so tired of trying so hard. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I feel this way and you—“ But she can’t, she can’t say it. It’s too much, too big of a bomb to drop, and she can’t do it.

“And I what?” Jos is hurt now, and it feels like there’s a hand wrapped around Tyler’s heart, squeezing. “And I what, Tyler?”

“Nothing.” She’s a coward, and she hates herself.

“It’s not nothing. I what Tyler?” Now Jos is yelling, and Tyler wishes she could hit rewind, just pull herself back into the other girl’s arms and stay there.

“Nothing, okay? It’s nothing. I’m just mad and I just… Forget I said anything.”

Jos’ eyes are filled with hurt, and Tyler can’t help but flinch. “Fine. If you can’t talk to me, then don’t. But stop using me to make you feel better, and then keeping me at arm’s length.  _That’s_ not fair Tyler. And you know it.”

She can’t respond, doesn’t have anything she can say, so instead she grabs her bag from where she dropped it and heads silently for the van. The boys can clearly tell that something’s up as they pull out of the venue parking lot, but don’t say anything. Mark starts to pull out his camera, probably thinking that getting them to open up on video will help, but Tyler snaps “don’t you fucking dare,” and it disappears as quickly. They both curl up on the mattress, their backs to each other, trying to keep as much space between them as they possibly can. Tyler stares into the darkness, her mind screaming at her, until light starts to peek through the windows.

\- - -

It takes them two days to talk again, even though Tyler wakes each morning to find herself only inches from Jos’ back, slowly rising and falling with soft snores. Even in her sleep she reaches out for her, and Tyler’s never been so glad to be an early riser. At least no one else knows how desperate she feels. Jos finds her as the sun’s coming up, sitting on one of the benches in the picnic area of the truck stop they pulled in to somewhere around 2:00 am that morning. Tyler’s sipping a cup of particularly bad gas station coffee, the steam making soft clouds in the early morning chill. Jos hugs her arms around herself as she climbs up on to the table, leaving a respectable distance between the two of them. The younger girl waits for her to speak as they look out over the sunrise.

“Are we going to talk about it?”

“No.” Tyler’s voice is quiet, and she can’t look at Jos or risk blurting everything. “I’m sorry Jos, you’re right, I’m not being fair. But there’s just some things I can’t tell you.”

“Why Tyler? I’m your best friend.” Tyler can hear the hurt in her voice, and her eyes burn as she tries not to cry.

“I just can’t Jos.” It’s a whisper, lost to the morning air.

“Alright. But when you’re ready, I’m here.” Jos is looking at her now, but Tyler still can’t meet her eyes. “Okay?”

Tyler takes a deep breath, trying to mask her feelings with any expression that feels slightly normal, before turning to her friend. “Okay.”

Jos gives her a small smile, before turning back to look at the sunrise. Tyler allows herself only a few extra seconds to memorize the lines of her profile, before turning her own eyes back to the horizon. She sips quietly at her coffee, before a hand reaches out from her periphery. Tyler deposits the cup in Jos’ hand, and tries not to watch as the girl brings it to her lips. After she swallows she grimaces, and Tyler can’t help the smile that pushes at the corners of her mouth.

“God that’s awful.”

“Yes it is.”

Jos laughs, handing her back the coffee cup, and Tyler thinks maybe, just maybe, they’ll be okay.

\- - - 

In Michigan they get a real, actual day off. No driving, no interviews, no shows, just a whole day to do whatever they want. Tyler suggests going to Taco Bell, and Jos suggests the slightly more adventurous idea of going to the beach (something none of them have done in a while), and they all decide to compromise by doing both. Not much later they’re pulling up to the shore of Lake Michigan, taco party pack in hand, and towels draped over their shoulders. The beach is moderately crowed, but they find a spot to set up. Mark films them briefly while they eat, and Tyler talks about the ridiculousness of the whole day, before they all settle in to enjoying the sunshine.

Jos loses her shirt early, lying back on her towel in only a bikini, while Tyler slathers sunscreen over her new tattoo, paranoid. Mark laughs at her, commenting that it’s “not going to fall off in the sun” and she shoots him a glare before laughing. None of them seem brave enough to enter the water which, despite the heat is likely frigid, but they all stare at it longingly. Tyler watches the sweat drip down Jos’ forehead, disappearing into the curls bunched around her shoulders, until the girl suddenly pulls herself to her feet.

“Fuck it. I’m dying in this heat.” And then she’s running straight into the water, a high-pitched squeal following behind her.

Tyler exchanges a quick glance between the boys, before they’re all up and running headlong into the water. The first brush against her skin is as cold as she feared, but Tyler doesn’t let herself think, throwing herself underwater. It knocks the wind out of her, and she surfaces gasping for breath. Jos is laughing at her, her own wet hair a sheet down her back, and Tyler splashes her. Before long they’re all going at it, and Tyler can’t remember the last time she’s laughed so hard. Suddenly it feels like everything slides off her shoulders, and she can remember just how lucky she is to be here, in this moment.

“This is exactly what we needed, dude.” Tyler is floating on her back, and Jos’ voice comes from somewhere over her right shoulder. “Some sun, some water, and a chance to breathe.”

Tyler smiles, answering. “Yeah. Does the air feel cleaner out here, or is it just me?”

“That’s because it’s not polluted with Michael’s gas station burrito farts.”

“Hey!” Water comes flying across her face, clearly destined for Jos and Tyler starts laughing again.

“If the world ever runs out of chemical weapons they’re going to put Michael to work.” Tyler can hear the shit-eating grin in Mark’s voice, somewhere down by her left foot.

“Like you’re not letting them rip every five minutes!”

“Yeah, but they’re not as bad as yours!”

“Hey!” Tyler lifts her head from the water until she can see the boys, Michael’s arms on top of Mark’s head where it’s just above the surface. “You’re all equally disgusting, don’t worry.”

This time it’s Dan who sends a face full of water her way, and Tyler laughs as she flips over, ducking back under the surface. It’s nice, remembering she’s twenty something, in the middle of pursing her dream, surrounded by her best friends. This is how she always wants it to feel: not like a job, or a performance she has to put on, but like she’s doing what she loves, with people she trusts and respects. Mark comes up spluttering before announcing his balls are so far up in his body they may never return, and heads for shore. The other two follow him, and only a few moments later it’s just her and Jos, floating out on their backs.

Tyler takes a quick glance at the sky, appreciating the endless blue, before her eyes slip closed again. Her face is warm from the sun, and she knows her cheeks must be flushed pink at this point. It would almost remind her of her room at home, if the water at her back wasn’t so freezing cold. Instead it keeps her focused on the moment, not letting her mind wander, picking up speed until she can’t come back again. When a hand curls around her big toe she lifts her head to see Jos looking at her briefly, before letting her head fall back again with a smile. The hand keeps them anchored to each other, as the water slowly rocks them back and forth.

“You good, babe?” Tyler doesn’t even bother to open her eyes at Jos’ question, smiling.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“It’s just you and me, against the world. No matter what.”

“No matter what.” Tyler echoes softly, her stomach tightening painfully.

“Even if we’re forced to deal with those stinky boys.” Tyler laughs and hears Jos move through the water, the other girl’s hand disappearing from her foot. “Speaking of, how come you’ve never talked to me about boys?”

“What?” Tyler rolls over until they’re both bobbing upright, looking at each other, confusion on her face.

“We talk about everything in the world, including what would be worse: ever-growing nose hair or ear hair, but you never talk to me about boys. You’re the first friend I’ve had who’s never once brought up their boy troubles to me.”

“I dunno. It just never seemed very important. We had music to talk about, and the questions of the universe, boys just didn’t seem like a very high priority.”

“Oh.” Jos looks disappointed. “I thought maybe that was what you thought you couldn’t talk to me about. And despite my little experience in the area I was more than willing to offer advice.”

Tyler can’t help smiling at her affectionately before placing a hand on her shoulder. “Thanks babe. I’m sure it would have been excellent advice.”

Jos shrugs and Tyler continues. “It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it, I just haven’t really thought about it. I’ve been eating, sleeping, and breathing music for so long dating hasn’t really been on my mind. My last boyfriend broke up with me because I was spending too much time on basketball, I just assumed no one would want to put in the effort when my entire focus is on music.”

“Wow really? That blows. Sorry Ty.”

This time it’s her turn to shrug. “It’s whatever. I just don’t want to waste my time on someone who’s not going to be there for me, you know?”

“Yeah.” Jos ducks her head until her lips touch the water, blowing bubbles.

“What about you, boy troubles?” Tyler wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, trying to hide how hard her heart is beating, waiting for Jos’ answer.

Jos laughs before answering. “Nope. My last boyfriend was… not great. We had a lot of issues and it’s made me kind of gun shy. I don’t want to get caught up in a situation like that again.”

Her last few words are quiet, and Tyler pushes softly. “What do you mean?”

“He just, was not a nice guy. He was in the beginning, but then he started belittling me a lot, tried to talk me out of playing drums. When I started gauging my ears he got outright mean about it. I think he wanted me to be something that I just wasn’t, and what I already  _was_  was never good enough for him. I thought I loved him and when he dumped me it just broke me. My sister helped me realize how bad it really was, and I’m not sure I trust myself yet.”

“Trust yourself?”

“Not to fall in love with someone who’s going to hurt me again.”

Jos won’t meet her eyes, and Tyler’s heart falls. She surges through the water between them, until she can wrap her arms around the other girl. Jos seems surprised at first, but then she’s wrapping her arms around her too, laying her head on Tyler’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry Jos, I’m sorry he hurt you. You deserve someone who’s going to love as big as you do. You deserve the best.”

Jos chuckles into her shoulder. “Thanks T.”

When they’re back on the sand, the boys fighting about which Foo Fighters album is superior while the girls lay quietly in the sun, Tyler lets herself consider Jos’ words. She always thinks of her as being someone who’s so brave, who’s willing to give up everything for her dream, but maybe she’s not. Maybe she’s just as scared as Tyler is. Scared of rejection, of not being enough, or of giving her heart to someone who won’t protect it.   Tyler aches to tell her that she doesn’t have to be scared, that they can do this together, love and protect each other  _together_. But there’s still that voice in the back of her head that tells her Jos doesn’t feel how she feels, that  _she’ll_  be the one who ends up hurt.

At the hotel that night they pile on to the two beds, smelling like sand and sunshine. Tyler takes an extra-long time in the shower, scrubbing until she feels clean and new, emerging to find the rest of them already asleep. She slides under the sheet with Jos, their blanket already kicked to the floor in the heat, and sidles up to her as close as she dares. Jos seems to feel the dip in the mattress, turning over until they’re facing each other, and flinging an arm over Tyler’s stomach so she can pull them closer together. Her head dips, coming to rest somewhere below Tyler’s chin, and the younger girl smiles. Even if this is all she gets, sleepy Jos reaching out for her in the dark, it’ll be enough.

\- - -

All too soon they’re rolling back into Columbus, and Tyler finds herself actually disappointed to arrive at home. The house feels too quiet, her bed feels too big, and Tyler misses the press of her friends around her. But there’s always something to keep her busy, and this time it’s stressing about their upcoming show at the Newport. She still wants to pinch herself every time she thinks about it, despite the fact that everyone keeps assuring her it’s real. Tyler can remember every show she’s been to at the Newport, every time she’s looked up at that stage and imagined herself on it, and now, in only a few short days, she’s actually going to do it. It makes it hard to breath sometimes.

Jos finds various ways to distract her that week: Mario kart tournaments, a new gorgeous ukulele that they just started carrying at Guitar Center, even dragging her to a Taco Bell on the other side of town because the one down the street’s Baja Blast just “doesn’t taste right.” Tyler appreciates the effort, and for the brief amount of time they’re together it works. But then she’s back to worrying, and tweeting, and trying to make sure they’re not going to embarrass themselves on Friday. Even though Jos keeps looking at her with concern in her eyes Tyler knows it’s all going to be worth it. That every sleepless hour is going to make sure that this show is the best one they’ve ever put on.

When they arrive on Friday Tyler feels like she’s walking straight into a dream. She crosses the floor she’s stood on so many times, past the stage she’s pressed herself up against, and into the back where she’s always imagined setting foot. The green room is spectacularly underwhelming, and Tyler cackles like a madwoman. It’s somehow the most perfect part of the whole thing, just another green room at another venue. She tries to explain it to Jos, but the other girl just stares at her, making Tyler laugh all the harder. Before long it’s time to head out on stage, and this time it’s Tyler who stops Jos.

“We’re doing this dude. We’re playing the Newport.”

Jos’ face splits into a wide grin. “We’re playing the Newport.”

“Here’s hoping I don’t forget every word I’ve ever written.”

She doesn’t. Even when she steps on to the stage for the first time, just like she’s always imagined. Even when she looks out over the crowd and sees that every available space is filled, a mass of bodies as far as the eye can see. Not even when she starts to explain the story behind Car Radio and someone yells out “we know dude, just play it,” before the whole audience laughs and sings along word for word. It’s only when Jos climbs up on the piano next to her, jumping off to land a perfect backflip, that Tyler almost falters, simply because she can barely contain her happiness. It’s everything she’s always dreamed, and Tyler can’t keep the smile off her face.

They exit to thunderous applause and everyone is waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs. Mark and Dan give them both high fives, before Michael pulls them into a bear hug, one under each arm, and sends Tyler laughing again. She reaches for Jos’ hand and there it is, wrapping warmly around her own and giving it a tight squeeze. They don’t let go as they walk back to the green room, and Tyler doesn’t care if it makes them look like silly girls, because she feels invincible in this moment. Jos pulls her into a hug once they’re alone, and they stay like that for a few minutes, holding each other tightly.

“I’m so fucking proud of you, Tyler.” Jos whispers into her hair and Tyler smiles.

“I’m proud of you too, Jos.” They both lean back to smile at each other, and there’s a knock that the door.

“What’s up?” Tyler calls out at they break apart, and the door opens for Mark’s head to pop in.

“Hey, you guys got a second?” Jos nods and Mark lets himself fully into the room. “So a guy just approached me and gave me this.”

Mark holds out a card and Tyler takes it gingerly, reading over the information before her jaw drops. “Are you serious?”

Jos looks over her shoulder, before a hand comes up to clutch at her, excitement clear across her face. Mark gives them both a huge grin and nods. “He said he’s going to talk to his boss and get in touch with us next week.”

“Oh my god.” Tyler’s hand covers her open mouth as she turns to look at Jos, who’s practically vibrating with excitement.

“That’s a label, dude! A label wants to talk to us.” Jos can’t seem to hold herself back anymore and starts jumping up and down at the end of her words, pulling Tyler in a hug until they’re both jumping.

“Holy shit. Holy shit!” Tyler pulls back from Jos so she can grab Mark’s arm as well, and within seconds they’re all jumping together.

Mark comes to an abrupt stop and they stare at him. “We have to celebrate. Right?”

“Hell yeah!” Jos is practically yelling and they all laugh.

“Good, I know a place.”

\- - -

The bar Mark leads them all to is packed. Of course, Tyler’s pretty sure that about a quarter of the patrons are just their friends and family, but it’s still a little overwhelming. The press of so many bodies around her makes her uncomfortable, and she finds herself unconsciously pulling herself in so that no one is touching her. It makes her whole body ache, and when Jos hands her a drink she grabs it thankfully. Drinking’s not usually her thing, but she knows even one will help her relax a little, and she wants to enjoy the night. There’s too much rum and not enough Coke, but she sips it diligently as she makes her way from conversation to conversation.

All of the Joseph and Dun siblings are in attendance, even though some of them still can’t legally order anything other than soda. Tyler is so unbelievably happy to see her younger sister that she hugs her for an entire two minutes, before Zach comes up behind her and literally lifts her up into a hug. She finally has the opportunity to meet Jos’ sisters and little brother, and she loves them immediately. There’s so much of each of them in Jos that she didn’t even realize was there, and she wonders if Jos is thinking the same thing as she meets Maddy and her brothers. By the end of her drink she’s feeling warm and happy, the smile on her face unwavering.

“You did it, dude, you sold out the Newport.” Mark grins at her, the only one without a drink, and Tyler throws an arm around him.

“We did it, dude.  _We_  sold out the Newport. You’re part of twenty one pilots too. Don’t ever forget that.” Mark blushes and ducks his head.

“Thanks T.” He notices as Tyler’s eyes wander over to Jos. “Hey, you ever gonna say anything to her?”

“Nope.” She chuckles, her body vibrating with the word.

“Why not?”

“Because!” She throws up the hand not currently resting on his shoulders, like it’s obvious. “I can’t tell her, dude. She doesn’t feel that way and it’ll just ruin everything. I can’t ruin it, Mark.”

“Tyler, you’re not going to ruin it.” Mark’s looking at her like she’s the dumbest person alive.

“Yes I am! She doesn’t like me like that, she likes guys, she said so herself.” Tyler looks back over at Jos and sees her talking to a guy, pointing in her direction as evidence. “See! She likes guys like that. She doesn’t like me.”

“Honestly, you two are exhausting.” Mark shakes his head and pulls her arm from his shoulders. “Go talk to her. I have a feeling drunk Tyler might have an easier time being honest with her feelings.”

Tyler rolls her eyes, but starts walking toward the bar dutifully. “Whatever, dude.”

By the time she reaches Jos the guy is walking away, but not before Tyler notices him handing her a napkin, a number written across it. Jos greets her with a smile, her drink still mostly full next to her. “Hey! Hell of a party.”

Tyler doesn’t waste time. “Who was that?”

“Just some guy. Wanted to buy me a drink but I told him I was good. Gave me his number instead.” She waves the napkin loosely, before placing it down on the bar.

“Are you gonna call him?”

“Probably not.” Jos smiles, moving her drink onto the napkin to punctuate her words.

“Good.”

“Good?” Jos still has a smile on her face, but her eyes are filled with confusion.

“Yeah, you shouldn’t go out with him anyway.”

She laughs. “Oh yeah, who should I go out with drunk Tyler?”

“No one. And I’m not drunk!” Tyler gives her a scowl.

“Sure you aren’t, babe.” Jos laughs again, rolling her eyes. “So no one, huh? No dating for me?”

“No. No dating for you. Unless it’s me.”

“What?” Jos leans forward, like she can’t understand what she heard, and Tyler realizes all at once what she said.

She claps a hand over her mouth. “Fuck.”

“Tyler, what did you just say?”

She can’t answer, shaking her head violently, and then she’s running, pushing through the crowd. Tyler hears Jos calling after her, sees Mark’s look of concern as she’s pushing past him, but she doesn’t stop. The door of the bar is suddenly in front of her, and Tyler’s throwing herself through it until the cool night air hits her face. She turns so she can lean against the wall right outside the door, taking gulping breaths of air as she tries to convincer herself that she wasn’t stupid enough to say what she thinks she said. Jos exits only a moment after her, her head whipping around until she catches sight of Tyler, and then walking towards her.

“Hey are you okay?”

Tyler nods, but the movement sends her stomach rolling, and a wave of nausea washes over her. She doesn’t know if it’s the drink or what she just said, but either seems just as likely. Jos reaches out a hand for her shoulder but seems to think better of it, pulling it back against her body. Tyler’s head drops into her hands, and she closes her eyes trying to will the need to vomit away. Maybe if she keeps her head down Jos will just disappear too.

“Tyler do you know what you just said?”

“No. Yes.” She lifts her head to look pleadingly at the other girl. “Don’t make me talk about it Jos, please. Just forget I said anything.”

“I’m not going to forget, Tyler. Would you just talk to me? Please. For once.”

Tyler shakes her head and it sends her stomach reeling again. “I can’t, please.”

“Why? Why won’t you talk to me?” Jos is getting angry, Tyler can feel it, and suddenly she just can’t hold anything back anymore.

“Because I like you, Jos! I like you so much, and I know you don’t feel that way about me, and I don’t want to ruin it. I don’t want to ruin what we have. And if I talk about it you’ll never look at me the same way again, and I can’t stand that, Jos! I can’t stand you looking at me like I’m disgusting. I can’t.”

Jos looks stunned, and Tyler can feel the tears prickling at the corners of her eyes, knowing what’s coming. She hangs her head again, just waiting for the words to fall, for Jos to tell her she never wants to see her again. Instead she hears Jos moving closer, and then her warm hands are on her cheeks, lifting her head until Tyler can see her eyes. Her curls look like a halo around her, dyed pink from the neon of the bar, and Tyler can see every freckle across her nose. She’s so fucking beautiful and Tyler feels like she can’t breathe, trying to memorize her face once last time before it’s gone forever.

Jos smiles at her softly and whispers. “You’re such an idiot.”

Tyler realizes that Jos’ leaning forward, like that night all those months ago, and it’s like time stops. This time she’s too scared to close her eyes, too scared that if she loses sight of Jos it’ll be over again and she’ll have missed her chance. Her heart feels like it’s in her throat, and she doesn’t have a chance to take a breath before Jos is pressing her lips against hers, so softly.  _Jos is kissing her_. Her brain doesn't know how to handle the information and for the first time in her life Tyler lets her body lead.

Her hands slide up Jos’ chest and over her shoulders, until she can wrap them around her neck. She can feel Jos smile against her lips, just briefly, as her hands fall to wrap around Tyler’s back, before they’re both pressing against each other, so tightly that Tyler swears she can feel Jos’ heartbeat in her chest. It’s wonderful, and endless, and if it’s a dream Tyler never wants to wake up. Her nausea is gone, her head still fuzzy, but it’s the same warm feeling she always has when she’s around Jos.  _Her Jos._

They finally break apart, breathless, and Tyler feels like she could be knocked over with a feather, if her arms weren’t wrapped so tightly around her best friend. Jos is peering over her, a hand moving slowly up and down her back. “You don’t still feel like you’re going to throw up do you?”

Tyler laughs, throwing her head back, and when her eyes find Jos’ again the other girl is grinning. “No, definitely not.”

“Good, cause I wanna do that again.”

And then she’s leaning down, her lips pressing to Tyler’s once more, and Tyler knows that this is exactly what heaven’s like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I figured 40k words was long enough to make you wait. Hope it was worth it. 
> 
> PS This is chapter is especially for Ezra, who drew the most beautiful thing inspired by this fic. I can't tell you what it meant to me, babe. I hope this chapter warms your heart as much as your artwork warmed mine. <3


	5. Epilogue

Tyler wakes up in her own bed, warmth against her back and a weight across her stomach. When she looks down she finds that it’s Jos’ arm draped over her, clutching her against the older girl, and suddenly it all comes rushing back: the show, their celebration, her less than sober confession to Jos, and their _kiss_. Tyler’s lips seem to tingle at the thought, and she can’t help the smile that breaks over her face. Sunlight is streaming through her bedroom window, and Tyler can’t remember the last time she woke up after the sun. Her room is already starting to heat up, but underneath just a sheet, with the fan in the corner pushing the air around lazily, she’s still just on this side of comfortable.

She rolls over slowly, trying not to jostle the other girl, and is rewarded with Jos’ still-sleeping face. There’s a small crinkle in her nose, just the tiniest smile even in sleep, and Tyler thinks she’s breathtaking. Her freckles seem darker in the sunshine, her curls a mess around her shoulders, and Tyler can’t help but reach out, just like she’s wanted to so many times before. Her cheeks are soft, so much softer than she ever imagined, and they pink up delicately under her touch. The crinkle deepens, as her unconscious smile grows, and Tyler watches as her eyelashes move softly against her cheeks before her eyes crack open.

“Good morning.” Tyler whispers, and Jos smiles as she pulls the younger girl in closer against her.

“Good morning.” She feels the words like a breath against her skin, and Tyler smiles back. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine. Bless my twenty-something body and it’s lack of hangovers.” Jos chuckles and Tyler continues. “How’d I get home last night?”

“I drove you, dummy. Mark caught us kissing outside when he came to check on you, let out a ‘whoop,’ and then ordered us home saying he’d take care of the party crowd.”

Tyler laughs, as it all crystalizes in her mind. “Oh, right.”

“If I had known you were going to be such a cute, handsy drunk I would have taken you out long ago.” Jos nuzzles her nose into Tyler’s hair, placing a soft kiss on her temple as the younger girl laughs.

“Well I hope you enjoyed it cause it is not happening again for a _while_.” Jos laughs and Tyler feels her lips against her skin. “I can’t believe this is real.”

“Yeah.” Jos whispers against her hair, before she lowers her head so she can meet Tyler’s eyes. “I’ve dreamed about waking up like this so many times I’m scared I’m going to blink and you’ll disappear.”

Tyler slips an arm around her, her hand under the hem of her t-shirt to rest against warm skin. “I’m not gonna disappear.”

She leans forward until she can press her lips against Jos’, soft and unassuming. Jos pulls her closer, deepening the kiss, and Tyler loses her breath. Her hand comes up until it can cup Jos’ cheek, her thumb rubbing against those freckles she can’t stop thinking about, soft curls just at the edge of her fingertips. Jos kisses her like she can’t get enough, like she’ll never let her go, and Tyler suddenly realizes what she’s said. All this time she’s been dreaming of Jos, and Jos has been dreaming of her. Tyler can’t help smiling, pushing against her shoulder lightly as she breaks the kiss.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Jos looks put out at first, upset that Tyler’s lips are no longer on hers, until she’s suddenly laughing and smiling, grabbing at Tyler’s side until she’s wriggling away. “You didn’t tell me either! I didn’t even know you were into girls until you were telling me you liked me.”

“In my defense, I didn’t _know_ I was into girls _until_ I started liking you.”

Jos stops, peering at her with surprise in her eyes. “Really?”

“Well, yeah.” Tyler suddenly feels shy, and a blush blooms out over her cheeks. “When you almost kissed me after your first show I realized I really wanted you to, and then it kind of… all made sense. It was a very sleepless weekend. And then you! Acted it like it was nothing!”

Tyler shoves at her playfully again, and Jos covers her face with her hands, moaning. “I know, I’m so sorry. I was so scared you were going to freak out, or say you never wanted to see me again, and I figured it was just safer to act like nothing had ever happened. Give you an out.”

Tyler reaches for her hands, pulling them down until Jos can meet her eyes. “I didn’t want an out. I wanted you.”

Jos smiles at her sadly. “We wasted so much time.”

“Yeah, we did.” Tyler chuckles, then grins. “But now we can make up for it.”

* * *

By noon they manage to make it downstairs to the kitchen. Jos has a pair of Tyler’s sweatpants on, under her own ratty t-shirt, and Tyler can’t stop staring at her. It’s not that they’re especially fantastic sweatpants, or even that Jos looks particularly irresistible in them, it’s just that they’re _hers_. Her sweatpants, that Jos nonchalantly picked up from the floor and slid onto her own perfect, long legs. Like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Tyler remembers doing the same thing with her ex-boyfriend’s warm up jacket, and it colors from her cheeks all the way to the tips of her ears pink. Jos notices, her spoonful of Lucky Charms halfway to her mouth, and laughs.

“What?”

“You’re wearing my sweatpants.”

“Yeah…” Jos’ reaches down a hand so she can pull one of the legs away from her body, peering down at the fabric. “Should I not be?”

“No, no you should.” Tyler crosses her arms and leans against the counter, blushing even harder. “I like you wearing my sweatpants.”

Jos seems to catch what she means and smiles broadly, placing her bowl on the counter before she walks over to Tyler, slipping her arms around her waist. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Tyler is grinning as Jos leans toward her, her eyes dark, and startles when her phone rings out just as Jos is about to press her lips against hers.

Tyler pulls it from her pocket, glancing at the screen. “It’s Mark.”

Jos lets out a long sigh and leans back. “That is the second time that boy has interrupted us kissing. This better not become a habit.”

Tyler’s still laughing when she answers the call, her free hand coming to rub softly over Jos’ arm. “Hey dude, what’s up?”

“She lives!” He laughs and Tyler rolls her eyes before laughing as well. “You two too busy sucking face or you wanna grab some lunch?”

“Why do you just assume Jos is here?” The aforementioned older girl’s eyebrows shoot up at her name, and Tyler winks at her, smiling.

“From now on I’m just always going to assume you two are together. It’s clearly a two-for-one kind of situation. Deal with it.”

Tyler bursts out laughing and Jos jabs her softly in the ribs, whispering. “What’d he say?”

She lowers the mouthpiece of the phone once she’s caught her breath. “He called us a two-for-one deal.”

“Oh definitely.” Jos is grinning as she leans down, kissing softly at the base of Tyler’s throat and up toward her ear.

Tyler giggles, actually _giggles_ , and pulls back from the kisses tickling her neck. “Stop it, you’re distracting me.”

“You talking to me?” Mark’s voice seems annoyed, but Tyler can hear the smile behind it.

“No. And yes, we will join you for lunch. Usual spot?”

“Don’t you ever get sick of Taco Bell?”

Tyler laughs. “Nope.”

“Fine.” He lets out a long sigh. “Twenty minutes. Try not to get ‘lost in each other’s eyes’ or something.”

“Shut up.” Tyler laughs as she hangs up, shoving the phone back in her pocket.

With her neck free once more, Jos resumes kissing her, making a line up her jaw that makes Tyler laugh again. The older girl is smiling as she leans forward to kiss her on the lips this time, and Tyler’s arms find their way around her neck. It doesn’t feel real: getting to be close like this, kissing each other easily and naturally, like it’s always supposed to have been this way. Tyler can’t remember ever feeling so at ease with someone, even the boys she’d dated previously, and it occurs to her that she’s never felt about someone the way she feels about Jos. It’s not just that she wants to kiss her, or feel her skin underneath the rough pads of her fingers, it’s that she trusts her and feels safe with her, the one person who knows her best.

She leans back, breathless, and opens her eyes slowly. “If we keep this up we’re never gonna make it.”

“So? Mark will live.” Jos has a cheeky grin on her face and Tyler almost agrees just so she can kiss it off her lips.

“And we’ll never hear the end of it.”

Jos lets out a long sigh and steps back. “Ugh, fine. But I’m not taking these sweatpants off.”

Tyler laughs and follows her upstairs. She tries not to stare as she watches Jos play with her hair, considering a ponytail before giving up completely. And she tries not to reach out for her when she brushes past her, heading to the bathroom to brush her teeth. But then she remembers, she can do that now. She doesn’t have to hide her eyes from Jos, doesn’t have to pretend that her feelings aren’t her own. It’s the first time she can truly be herself and it’s such a feeling of freedom that tears spring to her eyes. But she’s too happy to cry, and Tyler wipes them away quickly as a she pulls a fresh t-shirt over her head.

Once in the car Jos reaches out her hand, and Tyler takes it without thinking, pulling it into lap. Her thumb moves over the other girl’s skin absentmindedly, and Tyler can’t help thinking of that night, their _almost_. It was worth all the heartache, all the confusion, to get to where they are now. Jos gives her hand a soft squeeze, and Tyler looks up to see her glancing back and forth between her and the road, smiling. It’s easy to return, and Jos laughs as she watches another blush break out over Tyler’s cheeks. Apparently it’s Tyler’s turn to be utterly transparent.

“You know, Mark’s taking this surprisingly well. It’d be weird enough to walk in on your friends kissing, let alone your _girl_ friends kissing.” Tyler laughs at her words.

“Well, he kind of knew that I had a crush on you.” Jos looks over, surprise clear on her face, and Tyler rushes on. “He just guessed one night, on the way home from Ichthus, and I was too stunned to deny it. I knew he wouldn’t tell anyone, and it all just kind of came tumbling out. He’s the one who told me to go talk to you last night, before I spilled my proverbial guts. I have a feeling he’s been rooting for us.”

Jos chuckles. “That actually wouldn’t surprise me. I’m gonna hug that dude so hard when we get to lunch.”

She’s a woman of her word; as soon as Jos catches sight of Mark in the parking lot she sweeps him up in a hug so tight the breath is knocked out of him. He’s laughing by the time he wraps his own arms around the girl, questioning the hug but by no means fighting it. Tyler doesn’t hear exactly what Jos says, understanding it’s really only for Mark, but smiles knowing they’re words of gratitude. She has some of her own she’ll no doubt be texting him later, when the surreality of the day dies down a little. After ordering they slip into a booth to wait for their food, Tyler next to Jos and Mark across from them. He’s already grinning and waves a hand between the two girls.

“See? Package deal.” Tyler rolls her eyes, Jos laughs, and really nothing has changed.

* * *

It’s unseasonably hot for February, and Tyler finds it hard to take a deep breath without the heat settling into her chest. She and Jos are on the couch in Jos’ apartment, still damp from their second ice-cold shower of the day. Jos’ hair is just starting to dry, curling up around her shoulders from the long sheet down her back, and Tyler uses it like a pillow as she lays her head on the other girl’s shoulder. Jos turns her head absentmindedly to place a kiss on the top of her head, her eyes never leaving the TV. Tyler feels her smile against her hair.

“You smell like me.”

“I know.” Tyler replies smugly. They’ve already discussed Tyler’s long-standing love for Jos’ shampoo and conditioner. Getting to borrow it is her favorite part of staying at her girlfriend’s place.

“Is it weird that I like it?”

Tyler only laughs in reply, throwing her arm across Jos’ stomach as she settles further into the couch. They’ve brought the fan with them out from Jos’ room and it’s posted up in the corner, sending a respectable breeze around the room. Still, they’re dressed only in their t-shirts and underwear, trying to beat the heat. Jos’ shirt is filled with holes that Tyler keeps sliding her hand in and out of, making contact with the warm, tan skin underneath until Jos can’t take her tickling and pushes her hand away laughing.

They’re only half-heartedly watching the Grammys this year, with no groups or albums they love enough to root for. More than anything it’s just something to watch, to distract them from the heat. Both of them have had little time to keep up with TV this year; between working in the studio and playing shows Tyler feels busier than ever, but it’s the kind of busy that sends her to sleep with a smile on her face. Jos has her arm around Tyler’s shoulders, playing with her hair in a way that lets Tyler know she has other things on her mind. Tyler pokes her softly in the ribs.

“What are you thinking about?”

Jos lifts her chin to gesture at the TV, where some artist is receiving their gold gramophone, crying. “That’s gonna be us one day.”

Tyler grins up at her. “Oh yeah?”

“Yep. We’re gonna get nominated for so many Grammys that we’ll actually get sick of going every year, but we’ll go anyway because it’s the _Grammys_. And we’ll get all dolled up, and rub elbows with all our favorite artists, and be so cool about the whole thing.”

“Until you start blushing.” Tyler interrupts.

“Until _you_ start blushing.” Jos replies, poking her in the stomach before continuing. “And when we finally win, we’ll go up just like this. In our underwear. Because I don’t ever want to forget this moment; just you and me, against the world, making our dream come true.”

Jos turns to look at her, with so much love in her eyes it literally takes Tyler’s breath away. She can feel the tears prickling at the corners of her eyes, and she involuntarily takes a large fistful of Jos’ shirt, wanting to hold her as close as she possibly can. Jos smiles at the motion, bringing her hand up to Tyler’s cheek, her thumb rubbing back and forth softly.

“You and me.” Tyler whispers back, pulling slowly at Jos’ shirt, until the older girl presses her lips against hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we've reached what is, I think, a good ending. But! There's still so many things I want to explore from this au, and I can't not write some sickeningly sweet stuff now that my girls are together, so let's call this part one in a larger anthology. ; ) Thank you for all your love and support, and keep your eyes peeled for more!


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